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weakness in me
2004-09-30 at 3:12 p.m. i wonder sometimes whether i just have an incredibly hard time being happy? i feel as if it's time to let go. i've felt this so many times before. it just hurts all of the time, and especially with him gone, there is nothing but the very few phone calls to hang onto. he knows i wont leave him and i hate that. at the same time, i also know that if i did leave he would not try and convince me otherwise. and, see, i know all of this, but i can't seem to make it enough to force me to make the choice. i am realizing how truly weak i am. that's probably the worst part out of all of "this". the fact that it's me that can't deal. i wish i found it as easy as others do to let go of such an important force in my life. i always find an excuse to hold on just a little bit longer. i would give anything to feel strong right now.
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