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as good as it gets
2003-03-02 at 4:16 p.m. i have been reading a really good diary for the past 2 hours or so. it's very well written, and she seems to have quite an involved and interesting life. as for me, i am beginning to see things differently. i can't figure out if im seeing things more clearly or if things are becoming cloudy for me. i think, subconsciously at least, i have thought "this is as good as it gets...good friends, good boyfriend" i think i am afraid of admitting the truth, or hurting someones feelings. i think i would be ok if i picked myself up tommarow and moved to another city and tried to do things on my own. i am an insecure person, i always have been. ive allowed my friends to reinforce it. i let people say things to me that not many others would accept. i try to be nice and look out for them, and by one friend in particular, i am met with sarcasm and an air of "stop being my mom." i am made to feel foolish for looking out for her well-being. im sick of feeling inadequate. i let people walk all over me, and i keep living my life with the idea that this is all i'll have for the rest of my life. if i fucked it all up tommarow, said screw all of you, i'd have a few months of pure hell until i went to college and started all over again. we are all raised to be so dependant on people. im sick of being dependant on any of you. in the deepest part of me i want to go to school tommarow and not talk to anyone because i don't see most people as any sort of real friend to me. i would love to never return to high school ever again, not see another familiar face for a long time. i would love to say fuck you to the people i have shared everything with the last few years. i would love to point a finger at them and say fuck YOU for reinforcing every negative thought i've ever had. and fuck you for making me think i need you. i got in somewhat of a fight with mitch today. just sitting there with him i wanted to cry. i couldn't quite pin-point it. i end up feeling like i can't show anything but happy emotions or he wont like me. it isn't true in any way, he has always accepted me for everything that i am. i just wanted to cry and cry. i did. i don't know why im so unhappy.
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