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holiday season
2003-12-22 at 2:03 p.m. i have so much going on in my mind, but no way of conveying any of it to you. i feel alone. i could be surrounded by people and i would still feel alone. its funny how each of the little pieces of the puzzle make your life complete. when one piece becomes too soggy to fit, or the dog chews it, or you simply lose it, your puzzle is forever incomplete. so, this aloneness, it must just be another lost piece of the puzzle. i find myself wondering if i can ever really be complete considering all of the pieces which no longer fit or exist. it doesn't seem so. christmas is not like christmas this year. we went and cut our tree today and had a breakfast as a family. that was nice and christmasy. im excited to give my family their gifts. but, other than that, it feels like a day of fake happiness this year. silly to let things ruin a day ive loved since i was a little girl, i know. things just seem to be untriumphable (that cant be a word...) these days. i dont know what it is i need, which is the hardest part of all of this. i don't know what will make it better. more importantly, i dont know what will make it worse. im stuck somewhere in between. an easy answer would be most helpful right now, but i've learned life does not work that way. and it shouldn't anyways. i should have to work through this, i know that. but if things could just lighten up for a day or two, mainly christmas, that would be wonderful. im dreading new years as well. i refuse to spend it with him. i wont put myself through that. please hold me to that, all of you. if you see i have made plans with him, feel free to spam my email mailbox. i mean it. i wont ruin another one of my holidays waiting for a phone call and arguing the night away. i just wont. i owe that to myself and my poor readers who will have to hear weeks worth of bitching about it. i also need to stop having sex with him. i really do.
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