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there was always something that meant more to you
2004-04-23 at 11:10 p.m. sometimes something that he did to hurt me pops into my mind. and sometimes i remember exactly how it felt in that particular moment. and it makes me want to die. and it makes me wonder why im still here. and i wonder how it's possible to love someone so much that you allow them to stomp all over you repeatedly, and then erase it from your memory. it seems like i wrap all of the bad things up in his kiss. and that's a pretty unsafe place for my problems to be these days. because, Lord knows, and you readers know, and the whole freakin world knows, that i can't seem to let it be. and, see, its not about the dying type of hurt anymore. those moments are few and far between now. and it's not about feeling really sad, because sadness only comes and goes these days. it's about feeling stuck. it's about my first year of college being over in three days, and still being here. right here. you know, and maybe im just really bad at letting people go. yea, that's a pretty safe bet. but, i'd like to change that. and i'd like to know why i act the way i do. and i'd like to understand why love changes. i think i have trouble understanding things that i haven't experienced first hand. maybe i need to love someone with all of my heart and then fall out of love with them while they still love me. maybe i need to break up with someone for once and feel that weight on my shoulder. maybe i need to not give a fuck about all the little parts of a significant others life. maybe i need to experience more before i go ahead and define myself as unable to let people go. but you know whats great? the moments of happiness i've been having lately. i went rollerblading on thursday, and i stopped to sit at a random bench on the bike path and the bench was inscribed "sit, reflect, and count your blessings". and i was filled with this overwhelming happiness of having picked that particular bench. and i think maybe im being too hard on myself for saying im in the same place. i've made progress. and as much as life in its entirety hurts some days, my instances of happiness are so magical. and im looking forward to what's to come.
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