|
out of a rut
2003-12-26 at 4:51 p.m. i just rediscovered a mix CD one of my brothers friends made for him a long time ago with 100 of the best soft rock songs. i am now entertained for the next hour and 39 seconds. i forgot how good all of these songs were...i don't wanna fight, as i lay me down to sleep, reason to believe...all the good cheesy soft rock songs my christmas was good. did the family thing all day, then mitch and i hung out later at night. we had a really nice time and i was glad to see him. we were supposed to go to a christmas party, but things fell through. tried to go see a movie, but the times were all different because it was christmas. so, we ended up rented movies. normally this would get me mad because we do that all the time, but we tried for like 3 hours to not rent movies. im glad we did though. i talked to him about how i felt about us hooking up, or rather, how other people felt. he explained to me that we had just had an awesome 3 hours driving around talking and laughing, and having a blast just being together. it's our business what we do or don't do in the privacy of his room at the end of a night. and thats a wonderful explanation for me right there. im not ashamed of anything i have ever done with him in privacy. what i have chosen to do and not do has always been just that...a choice. there's been completely plutonic nights and there's been nights that...weren't plutonic, at all. he has gone along with whatever i want for a particular night for as long as ive known him. how could i be ashamed of such a great amount of respect and something that is still sacred and special to both of us? but, i really had such a good time being with him last night. i remember why it is that i love him and why i've fought so hard and stayed so long. i love how we talk. i love that he is my best friend. i can tell him anything and he always has something to say in response that just blows my mind. his personality is what i fell in love with. i think he is a beautiful person, and i love his body and his face, but his personality is what leaves me feeling the way i do. i was explaining to him last night how much it means to me that he has never once talked down to me or made me feel inferior. but, more importantly, he does the same for everyone else. he's just such a respectful and likeable person. i feel blessed that im the person who he cuddles up to at the end of a night, and the person who he kisses goodbye at all hours of the morning, and the person who makes him happiest, and the person that knows his deepest thoughts. as hard as it's all been, i wouldn't take back these last few months for anything. in my mind i started to catergorize only the things pre-breakup as memories, but in reality we've had some of our greatest memories since we broke up. he is still such a beautiful person in my eyes. i am thankful for him on so many levels that go beyond the fact that we're dating. there will be times that he makes me extremely upset, as we all know, but at the very center of it i love and appreciate who he is and what he is to me. i feel so glad that i am able to be involved with a person who is so genuinely compassionate about people. sometimes i hate him for his mistakes and the things he does wrong, but he always has such good intentions. one of my most important goals in life is to surround myself with people who are compassionate and loving and good natured. no matter what part of my life they belong to, i hope to never lose the special people who posess these traits. beyond mitch, i am so lucky to have the people in my life that i do. whether it's someone whose diary i read and chat with when possible (carolyn and mel!) or the people i'm calling at odd hours of the night for whatever reason...i am truly blessed. for the most part we control who is in our lives, but it seems to me that many of the people i hold closest to my heart have magically entered and remained in my life. i think i am getting out of whatever i have been in for quite some time now. all the doors i closed one time will open up again. i'll be back in the high life again. all the eyes that watched me once will smile and take me in, and I'll drink and dance with one hand free,
let the world back into me. and i'll be a sight to see, back in the high life again. you used to be the best to make life be life to me, and I hope that you're still out there and you're like you used to be. we'll have ourselves a time, and we'll dance till the morning sun...and we'll let the good times come in...and we won't stop till we're done
previous & next
|
|