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just like them
2002-11-13 at 2:41 p.m. so, i fucked myself over again. i took missys car from school to run home real quick to get something during 7th, and my dad was home and realized i had driven myself. he flips out and proceeds to tell me i'm grounded for a month. i nod and say "ok"...try to leave and he comes out screaming about how i could kill myself. i nod again, and leave to take the 1 minute drive back to school. call him when i get there, and he hangs up. and i just dont care anymore. i don't care that hes mad. i cant even begin to explain how much i hate it here...how much i just want to fly away from all of this. i've had my permit for ELEVEN months. ELEVEN. still im treated like the stupid retard of the family. and, yea, what i did is illegal and dumb on some levels, but i can drive just fine and im so sick of being treated like im two. i want, more than anything, to leave here forever. sometimes i wish i could pick up and travel half way across the country. some days, like today, i really think i could. i just pray i can dorm next year at canisius and do, at least somewhat, what i please. i hate being home. i hate everything about it. i have no privacy in this stupid house and i hate listening to my parents fight. i read mel's entry and its so similiar to my family. my brothers and i are the only thing keeping my parents from divorce. my dad doesn't love her in any way, and thats pretty apparent from past "accidents". my mom loves him, but only because shes his wife and shes supposed to. i see her crave his attention and receive nothing in return. i see him choose sleep over being anywhere near her. i hear them start fighting at 6 in the morning on a school day when im trying to actually get sleep, because they kept me up at nite with their arguing. i see them not take any of this into consideration. i see him make excuses for himself, and i see him flip out for no fucking reason. and i dont want that. and if this is what marriage really is, then i dont want to be married. they ruined it for me. i talked to mitch about it the other day and hes the only thing that gives me hope that not all relationships are doomed. i just pray to god i never turn into as much of a bitch as my mom was. i see old pictures of her and i bet she was once happy-go-lucky and smiley. if i were to argue with this, she would tell me that all the years raising us changed that. some days i wonder why they had children if we're that much of a burden? you tried to conceive me, your precious baby girl, for so long, but yet you still seem confused when i ask for money for something for school. yes, hi, i still exsist. yes, hi, im 17 and you still pretend im a baby. and here i sit with so much on my mind that they'll never quite understand. i dont want to be like them. god help me, i dont want to be like them.
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