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true love
2003-12-23 at 9:33 p.m. im sick, which is of course super. my mom is miserable. even more miserable than usual. i've bit my tongue so much today it's ridiculous. and, i even tried the being nice approach. i came home from last minute shopping and various errands today to see her going to town on some dough with a marble rolling pin. the house smelled wonderful and i smiled at the dough and the little snowmen and christmas tree cutouts. she, however, did not seem as intoxicated by the christmasness of it all. i rolled the dough out for her and helped finish the cookies. she ruined cookies, just like the last few years. its become a task. another thing to get annoyed about it. i found myself rushing and terrified to speak to her. joy to the world. merry fucking christmas. my dad came home and she was so nasty towards him. i was afraid of drawing blood in my mouth, so i said something this time. mistake. she is now not speaking more than a sentence or two to anyone. she is slamming doors though, which seems to be some sort of stress reliever for her. i understand things with her and my dad aren't good. i also realize that i don't understand the full extent of it. i just can't recall a christmas where there wasn't fighting. i can't remember a christmas eve where there wasn't fighting. hell, i can't remember a full day where there wasn't fighting. and during all of this mitch and i talked a few times. things seem good. i'll see him christmas night or the day after. we're going to see the last lord of the rings. he invited me over for christmas eve dinner at his house, but i don't feel like i should be there. i keep recalling thanksgiving where i sat in the car for a good 5 minutes before i could make myself go to his door. all his parents hear from us lately is fighting. their son has cried more in these last few months then he has in the past 5 years. i come across as the bitch. but, in the last few days i've also come to a lot of conclusions about how other's view this whole situation. to be honest with all of you, i don't give a flying fuck what you think of how i deal with this. most of you probably don't care beyond the fact that you hopefully don't like seeing me upset. you probably have an opinion...think less or more of me even. i don't care. does that say something about me? im sure it does. but, if i've learned one thing it's that no matter what other people think or say, i'm the one who has to deal with the consequences and go to bed with myself at night. whether you approve or dissaprove, it doesn't change anything i've done. i was told i don't have respect for myself because i continued to sleep with mitch after we broke up. i was told that this was being said to me for my own good, and because i was too blinded by my own stupidity to see it. this dear friend of mine thought someone needed to tell me this or else i'd never learn. i don't care about that opinion. im where i am right now, whether you consider it a good place to be or not, because of all i've learned for myself. it pisses me off to no end that someone i dated two years ago still feels they have the right to read my diary and judge me. have your opinions, all of you, whatever they may be, but don't justify nasty comments by telling me it's taking me too long to reach conclusions for myself. i appreciate all of you who read what i have to say and your only response is to want to give me a hug or write me an email or leave me a note. those are the people i respect. i have no respect for someone who reads this diary, this stupid diary, and decides to play psychologist. you're not helping. i always talks about how much i love mitch and how much i've learned from him. what im saying right now is something i never could have done a year ago. i've learned to reject the one person in my life who has constantly judged me and put me down. i made a mistake by letting him back into my life. and you know why mitch is a wonderful person? because he got me through it the first time. and when i screwed up, he didn't tell me where i had gone wrong, or even get upset with me. he was proud of me for realizing i made the mistake. he didn't care that i had told him, he cared only that i had realized my mistake for myself. that gentleness and sincerity and respect is something no one can replace. i know he's screwed up. i know he's hurt me. but, he's never made me feel like i was less of a person. he's never talked down to me. and that is love on every level.
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