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2-12-02
2004-02-12 at 5:41 p.m. i forgot. i forgot that today was the two year anniversary of my uncle's death. i remembered why i hate valentine's day so much. because i spent that valentine's day in a funeral parlor, surrounded by family wearing red in a crude attempt to celebrate the holiday. i remember how unloved i felt then. steve didn't come to the wakes or the funerals. i think i got a card. none of my friends remembered today was the anniversary, but i suppose if i can't even remember, i could never expect anyone else to. but, sometimes you just want people to know. i want to call mitch and ask him to take me to the gravesite, so i have someone to hold my hand. i want a cure for brain cancer. i want my dad to have his best friend back. i want to blow out the candles with my uncle on our birthday cakes together like i did every year for 16 years. i want to be able to remember better what he looked like before the steroids and losing his teeth and the bandana's. on top of it all i feel selfish. i didn't even remember. i didn't offer to go with my dad to the gravesite. i just want someone to go with me. i need someone to. someone needs to go and hold my hand and understand why i'm crying. i keep picturing him a few months after the cancer had set in, only a month or so before he died, and we went to visit my grandpa and cousins graves. he had lost control over his left leg and my dad was holding him up as we made the treck, and he made an extra little path in the snow that everyone sortive laughed about. at that point i kept thinking he wouldn't die, but he did. i remember coming home from school. my brother caught me at the door and told me that before i went inside i needed to know uncle carl died. i fell down into the snow and refused to go into the house. i could hear my dad wailing from inside and i couldn't bare to touch him or see him. i just sat in the snow and cried. i remember thinking how unfair it was and picturing my dad and him in their navy uniforms traveling together. i needed to tell someone i guess.
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