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a cycle
2004-02-13 at 5:31 p.m. mitch went to the sadies dance with someone else last night. the dance he said he hated going to, and really really didn't want to go to, after i had bought a dress and explained how much it meant to me. i saw something in a girls profile about "mitch-we're ballroom dancers! love you!" i flipped out. called him, crying. he yelled at me. he called me crazy. he said i was irrational. he told me he had bought the ticket because he was going to surprise me and take me, but, then woops, we separated. the only reason he went was because his friends convinced him to, and he only drove the girl to the dance. they just rode in the same car. all of which are most likely blatant lies. so i called my brother. words can't explain how much he helped me. but, just in writing out what mitch did, i have already begun to digress and feel anger and hurt. i am a helper by nature. it's what i was raised around. i look for people to help and i grab a hold of them. i also grew up around that in a dysfunctional sense. my mom married my dad to help him, although in the beginning she told herself he was helping her. my father needed, and still needs, my mother. he can't open up to people, which is what caused 30 years worth of depression that was only discovered recently. he makes her feel like her anger and hurt are wrong. i can remember being only 5 or 6 years old and watching my mom cry by herself in her room because she felt whatever my father was going through was her fault. i would cry too. to this day she doesn't realize she is his backbone, because he makes her feel like the exact opposite. my brother told me that mitch has insecurities. to me, this seemed false. im the one with the insecurities. im the one who calls him whenever something goes good or goes bad. i looked up to mitch because he can walk into a room and make conversation with everyone, and be liked by everyone. i can't do that. i'm not a good conversationist, i have trouble making good small talk. then, my brother explained something to me. he told me that mitch is insecure because he can't open up. he can have any conversation with anyone about football or a tv show or music or the government, which, yes, is something i can't do. and then he asked me how many times i could remember mitch calling me to tell me about something that upset him or hurt him, or something that made him overly happy. i thought long and hard and told him i could recall two times. 1 when i finally got out of him that his parents used to be alcoholics, and only after 10 months together, and once i had shared about my father's arrest. it was the most unemotional thing ever, and it went right back to me. 2 when he broke down, sobbing, telling me he was depressed and hated himself. he pretended it never happened the day after, and every day since. my brother also told me if he sat mitch down and asked him to tell him who he was, he would have no real answer. if he asked about his family, he would say "we get along good". if he brought up them being former alcoholics, he would walk away. because he can't share. and because i did share, i thought there was something wrong with me. i'm slowly realizing that there's something wrong with not sharing. you know what's sad? i held it against myself all of this time. i asked myself what i must be doing wrong that he doesn't open to me. i cried when he didn't call me because he was excited about something. i was perplexed by the fact that i didn't know what hurt him or upset him now or in the past. i told myself that i must be doing something wrong that he wont open to me. so i thought he must open up to other people. he doesn't. it's not my fault. you don't know what i relief it is to tell myself that it's not my fault. i have had myself convinced for so long that i was desperate because i share everything with him...my hopes, my fears, my tears, my happiness, my goals. i told myself this made me insecure and desperate because i call him when i feel emotions. but, what's not normal, is that someone i dated for two years can't open to me. he can't open to anyone. so, i blaimed myself. and i told myself my emotions were irrational, because look at us in comparison. and then i remembered how we met. he had been smoking pot since the 6th grade, with no intentions of stopping. he met me and after talking for a while, never really mentioning smoking, he told me he wanted to stop and i offered to help. he was so happy he had that help. it worked. i fixed it. then he started again. i blaimed myself. i cried that i couldn't fix it, and i cried that he didn't care. i cried when he couldn't open to me, and when i did. i cried when i went to him about a problem and he seemed unemotional. i cried most recently because i realized i don't know who he is. i don't know what he's afraid of. so i blaimed myself for that too, because who spends two years with someone and doesn't know that? i must not be someone worth opening up to. and then it hit me. i'm in a relationship just like my parents. im the backbone, but i feel like just the opposite. i cry because he wont open up to me, but it's because he can't. he literally can't. i cry when he goes to a dance with another girl, because he needs to prove he's ok. i feel stupid for relying on him, but telling someone how you feel isn't relying on them. i felt wrong for expressing emotions, but only because he let me think it was wrong to do so. because he can't do it. i want so bad to fix him, but i can't. that's where the tears come from. that's where the struggle is. i can't be the helper. but im torn because i thought i was the one being helped. i thought i was the one who needed help. and then my brother asked me if i loved him or if i was in love with him. the cliche question. but, after the entire conversation it didn't seem as much. i do love him. but, i don't know what there is any more to be in love with. you can't be in love with someone just because they're smarter than you, and can help you with your math homework, and make you proud of them, and get along with all of your friends, and can talk to your parents. you can't be in love with someone because they can cook and you can't, or because there parents seem a little bit happier than yours, or that he's laid back and you're not. i love him, because he is him, and i am me. but being in love involves having someone who makes you feel like your emotions are ok, and challenges you to really express them. and being in love means they call you when they're happy or when they're sad, because sharing is what it's all about. and being in love means you love all the things that they're capable of, but you understand their faults as well. he can't accept my faults on any level. i can't be in love with someone i don't really even know. i can't be in love with someone who can't share with me, and makes me feel stupid for sharing. i don't know if i was in love with him or the challenge of helping someone. or, scariest of all, was i in love with him because it's what i know? girls meets boy, boy needs help, but girl thinks its her that needs help, girl can't help because it's a problem only a professional can handle, girl still blaims herself, boy gets satisfaction from the fact that he's not hurting, girl is. boy is really hurting. my parents relationship. my relationship. both of my brothers relationships. my mind is spinning, because i thought it was me all along. i blaimed myself for every last thing. want to know something funny? he's never once really apologized to me. he's apologized for how i interpreted what he did, but in reality it was a misinterpretation on my part. he was sorry i saw it that way. or, i was just wrong and irrational and crazy. when i got off the phone with him today i asked if he understood why i was upset about the dance. he told me, no, he didn't. that's not what i want. i can't fix him. i can't change him. but i now have a clearer understanding of what i do and do not want. i understand my actions more. i understand that someone coming to me and recognizing i am a helper, and using that part of me, is not a solid foundation for an intimate relationship. i can be a rock to a friend, but never to someone who i want to be my life-long partner. being a strong person is no sole reason to fall in love with someone. i can not fix everyone, but i am not wrong for feeling. God bless me for feeling.
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