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advice and numbness
2003-10-24 at 5:18 p.m. my date last night was with that kid jerell. the one who i thougt was pissed at me because i wasn't "giving him any". its a complicated story, but that isn't at all what he wants/meant. anyways, he invited me to dinner and i had a really good time. i found myself not wanting to leave after i had finished everything on my plate. so, we went to starbucks and talked there. and then we went back to the dorms and hung out there. here is my problem. he is absolutely the coolest and nicest kid when it's just me and him, one on one. the only way you could really understand him is if you sat there at dinner with me last night. he gets me. he gets people in general actually. he made me cry when he perfectly described how i am with my family and with mitch. and he made me laugh when he explained why i apologized for finishing his soda. he's just the type of person i would love to have around. im attracted to him for his personality. but, and isn't there always a but?, my girl friends all seem to dislike him, as he was rude to them. he explained himself to me, saying that if he talked to everyone the way he talks to me that he would have all kinds of attention from people he didn't want it from. and i know that sounds conceited on his end, but its true. the way that he talks to me is almost hypnotizing. i see how he treats the people he cares about, and its awesome. the people he doesn't particularly know or care for don't see what type of person he is. however, its hard to tell my friends that he's rude to that he isn't "interested" in them per say. this all sounds so odd, but i assure you it all made sense last night. and he invited me to new york city with him for his/our birthday. my birthday is the 4th and his is the 8th. he's driving down to stay with friends at stanford and asked me along. i don't know whether i should go or not... i mean, its my dream to go to nyc. but, i barely know him, and i don't know his friends at all. then i tell myself that 5 years from now ill wish that i had just gone for the hell of it. so what should i do? someone please leave me a note with advice, or email me, or something. is it insane to pack up and go to nyc with a boy i just met for a weekend? or is it just extremely adventerous and romantic? and am i insane for being somewhat interested in someone who hasn't been the nicest to any of my girl friends? as for the rest of my life, things are ok. i haven't talked to mitch since wednesday i believe. and ive come to the very realistic conclusion that you can make yourself fall out of love with someone, as easily as you can fall in love with them. it is simply a process of not letting yourself think or replay memories in your head. its actually just numbing yourself. i feel numb to a lot of my old feelings...realized there isn't hope, and it's time to give up. of course sometimes i do allow myself those moments of sadness, but never over a specific instance or memory. i just cry in general because i know somewhere, something is telling me to cry. it's too much, too draining, for me to choose a specific memory and get sad. it's like there's this constant presence of sadness that i have acknowledged is there, but wont go so far as to acknowledge why it's there in the first place. im making myself fall out of love each day, which i think must be the saddest thing we as humans can do. i find it heartbreaking that we have the ability to make ourselves numb to things, like love. i really believed i could marry him. i believed i had found forever. now i pretend it never happened...that i never felt so strongly. and i just feel empty. when i hear "mitch" or look at a picture i just feel hollow. memories don't come to mind much anymore, just a feeling of sadness and loss. i know its my bodies way of making me get on with life, and in some ways im thankful for it, but i feel like i left some huge chunk of myself behind. and im convinced that anyone can do it. and how horribly sad is that? of course i still love him. i firmly believe i always will. but i can make it so that im numb to it. people do it every single day. so im left wondering what exactly love is. i don't need an answer, in fact i dont really even want one. i just wonder about it. I think sometimes you love someone so much, you have to be numb to it... because if you actually felt how much you loved them, it would kill you.
you can sleep in your own bed tonight...I hope for your sake that you don't wake up as broken as I am.
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