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and that's all it is
2004-02-22 at 5:41 p.m. "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." i wish i could wake up thinking that every day. maybe that should be my goal. i also wish i could explain my mood to you. well, i guess i wish i could explain it to myself mostly. i don't feel like thinking about anything. am i describing numbness? it's not scary to me this time though. it feels ok. and it's weird, i wanted to be with my mom today and that was all. i have a few new voicemails on my phone, but i don't feel like checking them. mitch came over this morning, which i don't feel like writing about, and then i took a nap. when i woke up i blocked his number so he can't call my phone and i changed the welcome note that said "i got a manda and i'm the only one" to "smile". and i changed my banner from "manda" to "sunshine". not out of anger, it just felt like what i needed to do. and i don't want to think about why i felt that way. i feel something like empty. is it sad? i don't really know. sometimes i really don't understand myself. i woke up naked in my bed after taking a nap and i was almost in tears because i hated being naked. and i couldn't take my blankets off of me to get clothes. i just laid there hating that i was naked, but not doing anything about it. and mitch broke my bed. he sat on the one end of it real fast and one of the boards broke, so my bed is on a tilt. and i talked with my mom today about abortion, and what she would do if i was pregnant. she said she would be sad and dissapointed, but would know that it was the best option for me. and she wouldn't kill me, she'd just be upset with me. i never talk about those things with her. ever. and we were shopping and talking over racks of clothes, both of us so calm and non-chalant. i never expected her to be that way. so, i guess if i ever need an abortion, my mom will still love me and take me shopping and hold my hand once the procedure is over. and for some reason that was all i needed today. to know that my mom would do that. and that she said thank you for coming to the mall with her even though she bought me clothes for my trip. because maybe everyone needs that in their life. someone who says it's ok for them to have an abortion, and buys them clothes even when their terrible, and doesn't come into the room when they know something might be happening, and doesn't wonder about a broken bed. everything just seems like a big mess today, even though it's all so simple. i don't want to talk to hannah, because she's too loud, and i don't care about the last sex in the city. and i don't want to talk to missy because i have the feeling she saw will today, and i don't care. and i don't want to talk to mitch, because i cried today and i didn't really mean it. it's really that simple. and i've been thinking about how people read this diary. because, i wonder if i write enough for them to understand what tone of voice im "talking" in. because, it would really upset me if it was read the wrong way, which i'm sure it inevitably is. because i could see this entire entry being read wrong. and that really upsets me. you know the perks of being a wallflower? maybe? i want this to be read like that.
or maybe i just don't care if this makes sense.
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