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there's a reason for it all
2004-01-28 at 8:02 p.m. i went over there today. i pulled up and he was shoveling the driveway. he looked beautiful. he had headphones on and couldn't hear me over the music and the scraping of his shovel. he loves his mp3 player. i offered to help and he laughed at my shoveling abilities. he tried to get me to go inside and let him finish but i helped instead. he joked about having OCD because my job was eventually to scrape up the excess snow on the ground so the driveway was just driveway. no snow. we were supposed to cuddle by the fire and drink hot cocoa when we went inside. instead, the phone rang. he invited his friends over. he didn't ask me. we fought. at one point i ask him why it is so hard for him to care about me? this is apparently the last straw. he jumps off the couch and slaps his hands together and begins yelling. i stare in disbelief. i know i've been mean, but i really wanted to be with him. he says that he didn't realize beig with him and other people didn't mean being with him. i am still mad. so is he. his friends come over. i don't want them there as much as i love them. i want to fix the fight. they leave after a few minutes. he makes me blueberry pancakes and i apologize for making him feel so bad. he apologizes for snapping. he tells me that i never listen to him when we fight, so the only way to get me to listen is to scream. he's right. i don't realize he's had a bad day and i ask if he wants me to leave, an attempt to make him feel bad. he slowly looks up and tells me to leave if i really want to. i watch him mix the batter and i talk to him. he tells me that his back is sore from sex that we had a little while back. a disk got pushed out of place. we both laugh. i eat my batch of pancakes first, because he always makes my food first. i ask if we can eat in the dining room, he says no because it's not cleared off and then we can't talk while he cooks his pancakes. we talk about my family. we talk about why he had a bad day. we talk about how im sorry. i clean up the plates, because that's just how we always do it. we go up to his room. i tuck him in and he invites me under the covers. we snuggle. we have pillow talk. i tell him im afraid of how much i love him. he tells me im not alone, and i respond that i am. i pop one of his pimples and tell him i love even that pimple. he tells me im crazy. then he tells me he loves every piece of me also but doesn't like to tell me all the time. he likes to show me. i bite my tongue to keep from saying "how in fuck do you show me?" then i remember the pancakes. and the other nite at the party when he switched molson beers from "currently single" to "off the market" so that i would smile. and how when we were in the smoking circle and someone came between us he told him to move, pulled me over, and kissed me. and i remember how i fell asleep there the other night and when we woke up at 5:20 in the morning he just wanted to cuddle more. and i slept naked next to him and he was the first thing i felt when i woke up. and he took down the picture of the girl he went to homecoming with. i offer him a back rub. he asks if he can have something else. i say no. he's not dissapointed, but i feel bad. because i'm always the one getting what i want. it's what he said today. i flip out every time things don't go my way. he didn't care if i didn't want them to come over or if he drove them home when they got there. he cared that i flipped out. i feel stupid for getting upset. and i don't give him what he asked for because i've listened to everyone tell me that it's being used. and i let myself think that if i do it i'm a bad person. and i know how i'd feel later on after i did it, because of how im supposed to feel. at one point he's looking at me and i ask what and he says just looking at you. something he used to always say, but it seems different this time. we have more good pillow talk. we talk about sex together. we talk about his birthday. he bench presses me to make me laugh. i fall onto my back and he kisses and runs his hands on my stomach for a while because he knows i have bad cramps. i tell him i love him, he curls his toes, (i can see them from where im lying between him) and whispers i love you too. i have to leave so he doesn't get into trouble. he walks me to the door, kisses my neck as i go for his forehead. leans in to give me a kiss on the lips and gives me a norbert (his word for a cherry..or whatever it's called) then pulls back and gives me a real kiss. we talk about his birthday. he wants to go snowboarding. he promises me saturday. we'll do gifts and everything on saturday. i walk out into his garage and he watches me from the door until im out. tells me to drive safely. after all that i feel empty. after the good parts and the bad parts i feel empty and nothing. it's not sad, it's not happy. it's nothing. absolutely nothing. and maybe i feel empty because that was every last detail of the time we spent together today. but i need you to understand. i need you all to understand. there's a reason i love him. there's also a reason we fight and make up. there's a reason i can't stand him sometimes. there's reason to believe that i really do act like a bitch and he really does try his hardest. there's a reason my hearts half broken.
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