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back to life, back to reality
2004-01-19 at 8:13 p.m. and i'm home. florida was a wonderful time. awesome to get away from the cold weather, and everything else, for a little chunk of time. i was able to get some sun, go out and drink, and go to clearwater. the worst part of vacation is always coming back to your "real life". i hate that. i really don't want to be writing this entry. i kind of wanted to come back and not need any of my vises. mitch. diaryland. online. i still need them all. i don't know what i really thought 4 days was going to accomplish, but still... mitch came over an hour or so after i got home. i had called him (first person i called when i came home...) and he was eating breakfast and what not and said he'd call back later. an hour later he was at my door. we hung out and had a good time, but at the end of it i always feel stupid being in those arms. and you know what he did today? what i had been wanting so long for. he said love you. then he said i love you later on. then he said i love you again as he left. and it felt like a knife going through me each time. because why? why now? what is causing this streak of goodness? is it because i care less and am more flippant about the whole thing? because i don't get my hopes up? we just don't discuss things because it always ends in a fight. but where does this i love you business come from? i've said it a few times since we broke up. always the first to say so. then i stopped because it hurt too much. now here it is all over again. you know what was great about florida? i didn't think much about anything. things just seemed like they were okay. being back here is a slap in the face. or the brain. something. this diary seems to be serving as a confessional as of lately. God, i don't know what i'm doing. i'm ok and then i'm not. where is the balance i used to have?
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