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uncertainty at it's finest
2004-01-20 at 4:47 p.m. i've been thinking about transferring away next year. the more i think about it, the more i honestly believe i will go crazy if i stay here another year. the fact that mitch will be leaving will only make it worse. he didn't apply anywhere locally, he will most certainly be leaving. i know him, and i know he will adjust to school wonderfully. he will thrive there and completely figure himself out. as for me, i have had a fairly horrible freshmen year at college. i have come no where close to thriving. i hate to say it, but i know i will grow to hate him if i stay where i am right now next year. even if i am to be completely over him, i will still be upset with my situation. i don't want to hate my situation in life anymore. i'm going to have student loans no matter what and i might as well attend some other SUNY school and pay similar loans back. i know mitch leaving is not the best reason for me to leave as well, but i need the extra shove. i am truly terrified of what next year brings. more terrified than i was my senior year wondering about this year. i never thought i would be saying that either. i assumed i would pick a school, meet tons of new people, and absolutely love it. problems would dissapear, boyfriends would appear. none of these things have happened. i am so unsure of next year and what it is that i want. i already feel as if i've fucked so much of the college experience up. so, do i transfer? do i give the unversity at buffalo the middle finger and take off? what if i hate wherever i transfer to and end up constantly moving from one school to the next? is it really that bad to do that? i wish i could be sure of something in my life. i feel like the rug keeps getting ripped up from under my feet. i know that is a bit of self-pity on my part, but the things i had come to rely on have all but dissapeared. i am not sure of anything or anyone at this point in my life. i know i'm growing up. i know this is all part of the bigger picture. i just want some solid ground to fall back on. i want one of those moments. the one where things fall into place and you understand why this and that happened and that wherever you're going, you're going to be ok.
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