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build me a bridge and get over it
2004-03-01 at 10:35 p.m. i saw him today. he came over and we went to dinner. then we went back to his house. and his friend jake came over and we drove around in his new car. and his dad barely said a word to me, but his mom offered me cake. his puppy ella still follows me everywhere and his cat melinda still curls up on my lap and covers me in hair. most of the pictures of me are taken down because he got angry at me one day and ripped them down. and i hugged and kissed him goodbye. and i felt like i was in a trance. i felt like i was stoned like the time everything turned green and i kept seeing dead baby dolls in my head. and i was deliriously smiley and then i was incredibly sad. and i felt like i was okay, and i didn't worry about things. and, im so terrified that that is loving someone. because, silly me, a week only made me want to be with him even more. and the things i got upset about turned out to be mostly untrue. he's not dating the 14 year old, she's pretending their dating. i don't really know anymore. i can love someone else, yes, i can. but, it's so easy to just be in love with him. it's easy to smell the same cologne and see the same hazel eyes and ruffle the same hair and forgive the same person. i want that stability. i want that person who laughs hysterically at me when i order a sandwich with everything on it, because i never do that. i want the person who knows that if he says "hi you" in a text message that whatever went wrong that day is fixed. i want the person who taught me how to parallel park. i want the boy that has skin cancer and every once in a while is terrified he's going to die. i want the boy who has to have allergy shots every two weeks for the rest of his life. i want to be there for those stupid shots like i was this entire summer. i want the boy who melts when i kiss his ear. i want the boy who stands at his door to watch me pull away. i want the boy who blows kisses to the backseat from the rear-view mirror as he and his mom scream at each other on the drive home from north carolina. i want the boy whose screen name has to do with humping muppets. i know i can love anyone. i've been thinking about that a lot. i think if you spend enough time with anyone you can learn to love them. it's just i already learned to love someone, and i'd much rather keep going than stop. and some days it will be okay. and if i spend enough time away i'll surely fall out of love. but, i guess my point is, i wish that didn't have to be done. i wish people just loved and kept on loving. i wish there weren't rules about stopping and starting. i wish people didn't expect everyone to "get over things". because, really, how do you "get over" a person?
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