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dangerously in love
2004-04-01 at 12:16 p.m. today is april fool's, which it damn well should be, because life seems to be playing one big joke on me. as im watching tv with my mom last night, a commercial comes on with a guy somewhere in north carolina and i say "ooh, that looks just like the outerbanks." and out of nowhere my mom asks me "so, do you think mitch really wanted you to be there this summer?" long pause. she continues to go on and on about the things that have bothered me about the entire trip for so long...why he took so long to call and tell me i can come, why he broke up with me soon after we got back. but why now? why is she asking me this now? why is she reinforcing the horrible thoughts i've always had about a vacation that was supposed to be magical? because it reinforced my blindness and my stupidity. and i started going over how he had been acting different for so long, but i just accepted it. and i started remembering how it felt weird to hold his hand and it felt like i was trying to create the perfect moments, because none were happening. and i remember crying when i was in the ocean because i was really scared of the waves and he kept letting go of my hand and when i called out to him he shouted back "what, you want me to just stand here and hold your hand all day?" and he said it in front of his family. and i felt stupid. and i felt even more stupid when i fell in the sand on the way back out and he didn't even notice. because it's all a joke now. and my mom went on to ask where things stood now, and all i could say through all of these thoughts was "he's mad at me", because he is. and i began to explain why, and she immediately came to my defense, and all i could say was that i always make excuses for him. and the next words out of her mouth will always haunt me. "that's treating you the same way steve did." and it is. except it's worse. because when it got this bad with steve he ignored me and left me alone. and that wasn't love. this was supposed to be love. and it's not, and i'm the fool. im the mother fucking fool. and today, on april fools, the entire conversation had slipped out of my mind for a while. and at the end of some tv program the words "OUTERBANKS" flashed across the screan. outerbanks productions. outerbanks fucking heartbreak. and i think he's worse than however i felt about steve at the time. because he's walked all over me and turned me in to some submissive, blubbering, little girl. i have almost completely lost who i am, and i hate him for that. he's not speaking to me because i left him an honest message on his cell phone. i told him that nothing was sacred with him and i couldn't trust him with anything. that i was horribly sick and it would never cross his mind to call and check up on me or stop by. and i ended by saying that he only wanted me around when it was convenient or he needed a good fuck. and then i hung up. and you know what i did the very next morning, twice? i called and left apology messages about how out of line i was.
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