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dragons live forever, but no so little boys
2003-12-14 at 9:57 a.m. a dragon lives forever, but no so little boys. painted wings things, and giant strings make way for other toys ... one grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more. and puff that mighty dragon ceased his fearless roar. his head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain. puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane. without his life long friend, puff could not be brave. so puff that magic dragon, sadly slipped into his cave don't ask me how, but that song has always always made me cry. the older i got, the more i realized the real point of the song...the growing up and moving on. i remember when i was little i used to get pissed at jackie paper, because who would stop playing with a big dragon?! now i realize it represents letting go of imagination and childhood and dreams. anyways, when it gets to that point in the song that i wrote the lyrics down for, i cry every time. anyways...i leave for new york city tomorrow in the morning. im just hoping the airport is fine so we can take off ok. i shall return thursday morning. tonight i have my work christmas party at Salvatores tonight. mitch is my date. ugh. i am so undecided about him. might as well be honest here. we had sex on friday when i saw him. mind-blowing, i haven't had sex with you in a month, sex. and he's been acting so good lately. he has been changing. thing is, im realizing he will never be what i want him too. i realize i could lower my standards, or just relax, but im finding that very hard to do. he will never be how he was before, and i dont know if im ready to accept anything less. im not sure i want to work so hard at something when i have no guarantees. if i was sure of how i felt anymore, i would just do it. i would do it like i did for the first few months wherein he completely shot me down. but ive lost that energy and that ability. i have been forced to re-examine so much of my life lately. sadly, mitch was what caused it, but i continued on by myself. when he first broke up with me i had to struggle with the fact that i had been living my life as if he would always be there. i would never need to date again. i had someone who loved me and that was good enough reason for getting up every day with a smile on my face. it's not enough. that will never be enough. i had to realize that i had lived through him, and that i had not grown up or adjusted to college at all because of our situation. the blaim is not with him, although in the beginning i constantly said to myself and others "how could he leave me when im adjusting to something new?" he had the right to leave whenever he wanted, and i had no right to stop him because of my own needs. so, adjusting to college has been a struggle. i know i will probably be bitter a year down the road when i look back at all the things i passed up because i sat around hoping we'd have plans or because i was just too upset to do anything. and then there's the loneliness and the loss of faith. when your entire world, and sadly mitch had become that, is turned upside down, you feel as if everyone and everything has turned on you. i cursed my friends for not sending me cards or offering me hours of listening. i hated my parents for being so damn nice. and, i cursed God for not answering my prayers or just fixing it. i hated the world for not stopping for me. i hated that the sun came up every morning and that i had to go to school. i have risen above most of that. but, the effects are long-lasting. i told my parents last night that i dont believe in God anymore. i also told them that this meant i didn't believe in heaven either. i made the mistake of saying that i believe people die and that's all, they sit in their coffins and that's that. the more i have thought about it lately, the more logical that seems. my dad became irrate and shouted that he refused to believe his father and his grandma and his brother are just rotting in their coffins. i suppose a big part of me still feels abandoned. its to hard to blaim friends, family, or yourself. its easiest to blaim something that i can't see or feel. i have a lot of stuff that i need to figure out. but, i have finally started waking up in the mornings feeling ok that the sun is just beyond my shades. just the other day my mom asked why i was in such a good mood, and i hadn't even realized i was in one. i smile and i laugh now, and i mean it when i do it. oddly enough, all of the things i used to feel i only feel when with mitch. yes, i know that tells me something. i have a few more stones to cross, a few more realizations i need to accept. as far as things go though, i know im ok.
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