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a few of my favorite things
2004-03-27 at 6:54 p.m. i had a bit of a revelation the other night. i don't think i want to be in college. at least not right now. i don't like school, i don't feel happy when i master a skill or do well on a test. i'm here because it's where im supposed to be. i guess im sick of doing what im supposed to do. i always told myself that i hated school just like everyone else, but im seeing now that i truly gain no satisfaction from it. someday, when i know a little bit more about myself, i think college will be for me. but, right now, every part of me wants to fly free. i've never wanted something so bad. the funny thing is that what i want is nothing. i want the sun and the grass and air. that's it. i dont want to commute. and i dont want to walk around the campus in the cold. and i don't want anymore math shoved in my face. and i don't want to read mark twain because someone decided a long time ago that he was a good writer. none of this is satisfying to me. if i get an A im only happy because it means a good GPA which is supposed to make me happy, right? but if i took all but one course i needed to graduate and then dropped out, it would mean nothing, because i never received a piece of paper. a god damn piece of paper lets the world know whether im smart or not. im not sure i want to participate in an idea like that. i am only here because i am supposed to be and maybe i should start listening to the voice in my head and take a chance. i overheard an older man at work today talking about how he got on a bus to california with "5 bucks in my pocket! 5 bucks!" and, see, i can't picture myself telling perfect strangers at a car dealership 35 years down the road about how "i mastered logs! logs! that's important!" because, it's not, except they tell you it is. i hope to God that one day i buy a bus ticket and dissapear for a little bit. everyone seems less important these days to me, and it's scary. no one seems important enough to not leave behind. i don't think it's that anyone is actually less important to me. i guess it's that whatever it is i want is more important than those things. but in the back of my mind im hearing "failure" if i take a semester off. or, maybe i see failure because i have a feeling that taking one semester off will lead to more. on a completely different note, i am wearing mitch's oversized hoodie right now and the heater is blowing his cologne into my face. and it smells like baby powder and warm. it is overpowering me. i saw him last night. we smoked together and it was beautiful. never felt anything like it, because with him i am most at ease, so i was able to just enjoy it. he's so warm. and if i put my hands on his cheeks he smiles and his dimples always form into my fingers. and i woke up to him stroking and kissing my face. i pretended i was still asleep and just felt. and that makes me want to write a book. and these are the things that matter most to me right now. oh my - 2005-10-21 miss you - 2004-12-12 bye duckie - 2004-11-17 ..trying to be lately - 2004-11-01 guess i'm doing fine - 2004-10-05
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