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one big game
2003-04-25 at 1:16 p.m. i feel empty. so so empty. i have felt tears on my cheeks so often recently. and i wonder why i bother staying in something that makes me so sad. in reality, there is nothing that wrong about us, but there's certainly things that aren't right. i have an away message up that says "im remembering why i like being single.." and i suppose that sums it all up. i hate crying over someone else. i hate that powerless feeling. i don't like giving so much of myself. when i look back on this year, it mostly seems like a blur to me. not because it went fast, but because it seems like it was one big pile of me waiting for phone calls, and trying to stay in touch with friends while having a boyfriend. i hated this year. i hated my senior year. and that's not to blaim on anyone, but when i think about it that's what i see and feel. that's how i'll remember my senior year. any time i tried to do anything for fun i was so busy missing him, i missed out on things, people, events. and i never felt bad about "sacrificing" so much until now. we just talked and i know i sounded distant, but, as usual, he doesn't recognize this. or, if he does, he chooses not to acknowledge it. i feel like my feelings are going to waste. usually after we speak i am reminded of how worth it it all is, but not today. it doesn't seem worth it today. i feel as if i've been under stress for the last few months. and this stress is caused by waiting around, planning things around him, having my friends hate me, having my feelings go to waste. and, right now, hoping for a call back to acknowledge that im not happy. but if he were to call back i know i would have nothing to say. the only dialogue that keeps racing through my head is me asking him to ask me if im happy, and when he does, my response simply being no. im not happy. im not happy. when he asked that question in the past it was implying happy with out relationship. today i realize it means happy on all levels. and im not happy on a single level. and then whats to come? whats waiting for me/us? am i even happy with referring to myself as an us? this feeling is eating my alive. im just not happy at all. and it used to be some game i played with him. like today, i was silent during conversation, didn't reply to his love you at the end of a conversation. i was testing him, seeing if he would ask what was wrong, waiting for him to call back. but today i just did it because i wanted to. i didn't want to talk to him, i didn't want to say love you. it wasn't a game today. funny thing is, its all seemed like a game lately.
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