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in the hollow of your heart
2004-04-27 at 11:06 a.m. when you know that you know who love, you can't deny it, or go back, or give up, or pretend you don't buy it. i slept at his house last night. when he heard how upset i was, he asked his mom at 10:30 if i could spend the night. she said yes immediately. so, i drove there, crying, and when i pulled up he was standing at the door with the lights on. and he stayed on the phone with me until i was right next to him. and he showed me the bed he had made up for me with his favorite pillows on it. and he took me into his room and gave me my present from nyc. a ring. a really pretty ring from a street vendor. and when i went to ny i wanted to buy one of the exotic looking rings from a street vender, but i didn't. he didn't know. he bought it for me. we sat and talked. i won the "no-sex" battle over him. we didn't have sex, but he let me know that i had won because all he wanted to do was make love. we watched a movie and talked. at one point i asked him if he still thought he was out of love me. he said he was still in love with me as if i were ridiculous. i was in complete surprise to which he responded that he "told me that 9 months ago on a rock." which is true. but i was ready to argue that the way he looks at me tells me he's still in love me. but, no need. i don't know what to think about any of this. i feel safe there. i liked waking up at 5:15 in the morning to cross the hall and give him a kiss. i liked snuggling in the morning before he left for school. i like sharing his toothbrush. i liked being tucked in at night. i liked pulling up to his house to see him standing in the doorway waiting for me with open arms. i am me with him right down to my morning breath, greasy hair, oily face, bloodshot eyes, teardrops. i share his clothes with him, his deoderant, we pop each others pimples, we smell each others armpits because we like the other persons natural scent, when we're out he comes to the bathroom with me because i just like having him there, we kiss each other when we have our most horrible breath, i shaved an A onto him, his door has AMANDA sanded onto it, he taught me how to drive and parallel park and that was almost 2 years ago, he even calls me a good driver. and that's nothing. that's such a small fraction of it all. maybe i just dont want to pretend i don't love him anymore. because i do.
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