|
hurt so much
2003-11-10 at 12:18 p.m. i'm trying very hard not to get upset. i spent last nite with mitch. we had a really nice time, watched finding nemo and fell asleep. he was as affectionate as i've ever seen him. today, after my 8am class i went over there until about 15 minutes ago. and, again, things were really good. he got in the shower and i found a note sitting on his desk from the girl he went to homecoming with. i of course read it. she's quite obviously very interested in him. and it was also obvious that he had told her it wasn't going to happen by the "i know you don't feel the same as me" and "i know you're not ready for a relationship like the one you just got out of" and "you should be able to hook up with whoever you want." still, it upset me. i came into the bathroom and asked him about it. he talked me down and let me rip the note up. reassured me that he would never ever date her or hook up with her. so why am i upset? i think it's because yesterday when i went over there i had started to feel like maybe i didn't care as much as i used to, and that this was better for me. but i started to feel the same again last nite. it wasn't too bad. but, today i was right back to square one. i had found things i didn't like and was ready to prove them right for myself. it didn't work. i still feel the same. and the stupid thing is there was nothing wrong with today or yesterday. it went really well, and we're well on our way to getting back together. but, a part of me knows that if it doesn't work out i'm going to be hurting twice as much as i do now. i can't begin to imagine how bad that's going to hurt. it just hurts all the damn time. all the work i put in to convince myself that im ok is gone. i'm lost and unhappy and not ok. things just shouldn't hurt this much. it's not right. i know im setting myself up again and again for hurt. but im just a scared 18 year old girl in love, hoping it lasts. i feel like im just going through the motions of life. i hate being unhappy. these dark feelings are always somewhere in the back of my mind, bringing me down. i don't know how to rise above that. you know what i mean though? when things are going good, life just seems so wonderful. and when something bad comes along you can deal with it. but when you're not happy, each little bad thing to happen is like another blow to your body. and it's the most helpless and alone feeling. i know i'm learning lessons and im growing, but i dont see why it has to hurt so much.
previous & next
|
|