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i don't know
2003-12-04 at 5:37 p.m. what happens when we die? i can't stop thinking about it. i just finished reading a book called "the 5 people you meet in heaven" which just confused me even more. when i had that car accident i kept thinking that if i had waited for the mail truck to go by before i pulled out of indian trail onto north forest i wouldn't have made the light. i never would have been behind him. never would have crashed into him. for such a long time i told myself everything happens for a reason. everything interconnects. i'll understand the good things and the bad things later on. thats what that book was about...that when you get to heaven five people will explain why things happened the way they did on earth. but im afraid now. i've lost almost all of the faith i had in anything...God, fate, everything. what if things just happen because you cause them. i just hit that car because i was distracted and tired and crabby. bad things happened to me because other people did other things and i did things that caused them. the same with good things. what if we really are in control of everything? what if humans cause other humans suffering all the time and there's no purpose to it all. a lesson learned? a lesson that could mean nothing if you died tomorrow. is there a heaven? or are we really just little bits of dust that developed over time into humans? am i going to die and never exist again? will i never see the people i love again? will it just become dark and everything i've learned, everything i've lost and gained, everything i've cherished and loved dissapear? did humans create heaven? did we create fate? whenever someone dies people, even non-religious people, comfort each other and themselves by saying "he's/she's in a better place..." it puts us to sleep that night, and the night after that, knowing that maybe they're watching us. they didn't really die. they're happy wherever they are, without the pain and sufferings of the earth. what if people just die and that's it? i remember many years ago asking my friend elise what she thought happened when we died. her answer was that "we sit in our coffin and rot. we don't go to heaven. we don't go anywhere. we just die." maybe we created fate to make excuses for the things we've done or haven't done. i told myself there's a reason i was too afraid to leave for college and didn't try and make the money to get out of here. there's a reason i'm not doing any number of things, and a reason i'm doing the things i am. everything i'm doing is part of some greater plan. what if that's all bullshit? what if we made up fate just to get us through the bad things and talk about excitedly when it appears to be acting in our lives? what if i really just have one shot at life and whatever i do is something i do for no greater reason? humans caused everything. we did every last thing for/to ourselves. whatever we have, we earned. whatever we did, we did for ourselves. whatever didn't happen didn't happen because we didn't make it happen. what if it's my own fault for everything that has gone wrong? i dont think i can handle that my uncle and grandpa aren't in heaven smiling down on me right now. that my car accident didn't happen to teach me a lesson or change someone's life or prevent something more terrible from happening. that after i am gone, i am truly gone. it all makes me believe even more that we created heaven and fate. we need it in order to get through this life. everyone is too afraid to admit that this is all we get. we fear what we aren't capable of. we fear our limitations. we put our hopes into another life...into the hands of fate. we put our hopes into anything that is unverifiable but beautiful sounding.
im not afraid exactly. ive just begun to think that the billions of people on this earth are all i have. it's a new kind of alone. i feel abandoned. abandoned by my own beliefs maybe?
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