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i have no title
2003-12-10 at 2:45 p.m. so maybe im back to my old ways. back to staring at the clock, praying my phone rings, planning what i will say and do and wear in my head. i feel wiser, i really do. i've grown a lot in the last week or so. i am petrified that seeing him today, if it happens at all, will completely destroy all that i have built. when i strip away everything...the bullshit, the arguments, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger...i love him. ive pushed everything into the back of my mind, but that's still there. i still love how it feels to hug him and be kissed on the forehead. i still love everything we've done together. i still love the person he is. and if i see him its just going to remind me of it all over again. i haven't analyzed a damn thing or thought much about anything in about a week now. i haven't seen him in probably two weeks. i haven't had any sort of significant conversation with him in a few weeks also. and i am petrified of what will happen today. so scared that plans will fall through and ill be back to square one, completely devestated. even more afraid that i'll see him and...well, everything will just crumble. i wish i knew what to expect out of any of this. i got a HORRIBLE haircut yesterday. i look like someone from the eighties. it sort of looks like a mullet. i was supposed to get "fringe" and "side swept bangs", so im picturing pieces a bit shorter in the front but still capable of being tucket behind my ear. fat fucking chance. i have this hideous poofy side-swept things that wont quite tuck behind my ears. its absolutely horrendous. i cried and cried when i got home. i set aside $40 to treat myself to a nice haircut and i HATE it. i would have rather paid $3 to my mom's family friend and had her do it, because i like it a hell of a lot better when she does. so, a waste of money, and a complete butchering of my beautiful thick hair. its not even thick anymore. baseball hats and snow hats it is.
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