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love is...
2003-10-06 at 1:08 a.m. today didn't go exactly as planned. mitch got out of work around 7, called me, and said he was really tired and could we just see each other tommarow. i of course started to cry and he of course told me that he was coming right over. i had put the video i made in the vcr and told him to hit play when he walked in. he loved it. at one point he said that we made the best, best friends. i was ready to get upset, but he finished by saying he wishes we could just stay like this and be together again when it will work. this is what i want too. (well, the getting back together part anyways) in an ideal world, it would work. he then balled up against me and made little sighing noises. i just sat there stroking his head and rubbing his back. i hate to see either of us hurting. but for one brief moment, lying on my couch, watching tv, eating cashews together it all felt ok. tommarow we're spending some more time together...our goodbye day i guess. i dont even know what i want at this point. every decision will hurt. not the best odds to be facing. it all makes me wonder if its worth it. i know deep down it is, because this experience has changed my entire life. he is what makes me comfortable. the one person i am 100% fine around. i wear what i want, burp as loud as i want, sing off key, i can sit there naked, have a conversation with him, and not feel the slightest bit weird about it, he knows what i like, what i dont like, hes seen me at my worst and my best, knows all my little idiosynchrosis, lets me fart around him. all that good stuff. and when i list stuff like that i try to tell myself that it's all just comfort issues. i feel like i cant be that way with anyone else, so i cant think about moving on. the other part, my heart im assuming, repeatedly tells me that its so much more than that. and this is one of those moments where i would give up most anything to look into a little crystal ball and see myself with someone else, or with him again. and i am left wondering what love is. because, i keep bouncing back and forth between two thoughts. one tells me that love is all that good stuff i listed, all the stereotypical things you associate love with, the goo-goo eyes, the happiness, the tingles. and another tells me that love starts out as love, but it keeps going out of comfort. out of a routine, a pattern, an appreciation for all you've been through. out of those first few months of passion and happiness. because if that wasn't it then people couldn't have their hearts broken and eventually move on. you dont stop loving the person, and you continue loving different things about them, but if you were to be left, you would eventually move on. and thats why i dont want to move on, because that would be giving into the fact that it wasn't really love. everyone expects those who are dumped to eventually move on, but isn't that giving up on love entirely? and maybe thats where im naive. maybe i should just suck it up and find the next best thing that comes my way. but then it seems like love is just one big game of replacing people and forgetting feelings. these feelings of love aren't new to me, i've been a hopeless romantic my whole life, but i have yet to form one solid thought about love. they all seem to be contradicted somewhere along the way. i dont think ill ever figure it out, and im not entirely sure id like to anyways. i just dont want to feel like everytime i find someone, there is always the ability for me to move on. i dont want to be thinking each time i fall in love that once it ends there's someone else. i dont think i can handle loving people to such extremes, leaving them and going through all of this again, just to be with another person. i guess thats what it is though. some sort of long process of weeding people out. but, when i say i love you i dont want to know that it's just a moment in time. words ill utter to so many more people in my life.
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