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surprise of all mother fucking surprises
2003-12-10 at 10:07 p.m. i should have known. every night before any of my sociology exams something has happened with mitch which prevents me from studying. tonight, as it is the night before my final, something huge happened. he called. i begrudgedly answered. he talked and seemed all cute and happy. whatever. finally i told him that i was sick of being taken for granted and even his friends don't like how he treats me. he abruptly tells me he has to go, he "has to do something" and he'll "call me back as soon as he can." thoroughly confused i go back to studying. 30 minutes later i hear my dog barking. i know that mitch must be at my door. he is. he comes in. we sit on the couch, he looks at me and says "im going to change." i just kind of blankly stare at him. conversation ensues and my mind basically refuses to function. i end up explaining to him that in the last week that we barely talked i have done everything to not think of him and did a good job of pushing him into the back of my mind. and now, here he is. sitting here talking to me. he wants to be friends again. he wants to start as friends and focus on that. not on any higher goal, although he acknowledged that that is what we're going for. i dont know if i want to. i just felt so...stupid in his arms. i feel like i have grown in the last few months and here i am back in those arms. those familiar arms. he did it all so right. he apologized for everything and told me how beautiful and special i am. everything he used to do. but it didn't quite feel right. i worked so hard to break my "mitch routine" and be ok. one step forward, two steps back i suppose. i just dont know what i want. this should all seem so huge and crazy to me, but i just feel like im telling you all a story. does that make sense? this is all too damn much for me to handle.
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