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never enough
2003-01-25 at 11:19 p.m. i don't know where else to go but here. im so worried about what everyone thinks about me all the time that my head literally can't handle people, or thoughts, or places. i don't even know if i can handle this. my mind is constantly centered around what other people think, and i wonder if i ever create thoughts of my own...ever. if i ever make decisions based on what i really need, and who i really am. i wonder why i sit there and try to see if mitch will get mad at me. i bring him down, make him pessimistic. he wont get mad either, although i think he might be now. i am such a needy person. and i sit here thinking if steve reads this he'll think all that he thought about me really is true, and if it is well then that's all i am. and if i drove him insane, or anyone else, then this must be why. i am only what i must be. i cry when i look in the mirror. i cried tonite, and still seemed annoyed with mitch even though the reason we didn't see each was because of miscommunication. he is so optimistic and sane, and i seem to always need to challenge that...see how far i can push it, see if he still loves me even when i fuck things up. i try so hard to look perfect, feel perfect, taste perfect, sound perfect, and i literally go insane. i just want to scream fuck you at everyone some days. i don't want to have to try to be anything, and still feel like i can be loved. so, maybe im so afraid that i wont be loved, that i force someone to challenge their love for me before they have a chance to decide to do it for themselves. and then i push them away. i wanted to push steve away, but all i want is to make mitch closer to me. i love him more than anything, but fear so much that who i might just be wont be enough. when my hairs like it is now im hideous, and when i cry my nose gets so red, and i don't know if he wants that...i dont know if anyone wants that, or wants me for that matter. i don't even know if i'm loveable, and im so easily wounded. so easily hurt. i cry so easily, yet i don't feel like i cry enough.
im gonna go make myself a crunchy peanut butter sandwich, the way i like it, looking like i do. im enough for the peanut butter.
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