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perfectly beautiful
2004-01-02 at 5:10 p.m. everytime a family member leaves for an extended amount of time or flies somewhere im terrified they're going to die. i never mention it to anyone, because it's creepy and it's always been that way. when im on vacation i call home every day just to check. my biggest fear is that one of those times something really will be wrong. ill be hundreds of miles away. ill be helpless. alone. my brother left to go back to florida about a half hour ago, which is why this is all so heavy on my mind. i'm flying down in two weeks to see him. i kept thinking what if he dies before i get there. i always do that. i hate it. i am excited for florida though, all fears of death set aside. i bought a miniskirt and a tight black shirt and flip flops to go out the first night i get there. it's going to be wonderful...first week of classes, then off to florida for the weekend. can't get much better than that. i'm doing good with the mitch thing. or, i am at this exact moment anyways. i caved in and called there yesterday hoping he'd be at work, which he was. i really only called to tell him and his family happy new year. i talked to his mom which was nice. i'm not sure what im doing. i just know i can't be around him right now, or any time soon. it's to the point where only a long period of absence will allow us to be able to talk like two normal people. it's not like the other times. it aches and i hate not talking to him about the simplest of things, but it makes sense this time. im doing it for the right reasons this time. but i can't predict an outcome this time. i don't know how long this will take because i haven't given myself a deadline. i haven't planned all of the mean things im going to yell at him for when i reappear, because im not going to this time. my goal is to speak to him only when i don't feel anger or hurt. when i am able to listen to him because i love him and what he is saying. and, quite possibly, when this time comes his words might not mesmerize me anymore, and the spell may be broken. i just want to be able to hear his words as a friend, as someone who loves and respects him. although i have this goal in mind and i understand what has to be done, i realize i am not at that point yet. it's not just recognizing what i have been doing wrong this time...it's fixing it as well. and that's feel right. that's what makes this all a little bit easier. i am finally growing up and understanding the true meaning of the words love and respect. it's perfectly beautiful. it's soul-searching.
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