|
a little perspective
2003-01-14 at 7:30 p.m. i never knew it was a parents job to shoot down all their childrens dreams, in order to "put things in prospective for them". i dont need fucking perspective. is it normal to discourage your child from going to any school but buff state, because its cheap. is it fair to discourage one child from going to a certain school once you just put your other child through 4 and a 1/2 years at the same school? and, im just not sure, but is it normal to not give a flying fuck what they do with their lifes, or offer to drive anywhere to look at schools. is it standard to expect them to have their friends take them on college visits, and not ask about them once they've gone? is it motivating and encouraging to yell at your child about money when they get a big smile on their face when they start to talk about "their" school. if so, i guess its also standard to shoot them down entirely and yell at them after they spent an hour researching the cost of the school and figuring out all the financial aid stuff. yea i guess that must be pretty standard too. i've been raised not to try new things, not to indulge in something fun, not to believe in meaningful marriages. driving around for fun with your daughter is a waste of gas money. going out for a quick bite to eat is also a waste of gas money, and of course a waste of money to buy the food to "stuff her face". having your daughter do tae-bo in the living room is an unforgiveable inconvenience. taking your daughter downtowrn once a month to be on the diocesan youth board and to do service work is just work money in the gas tank, less time for lesson plans, less time to complain about less time. i've never been encouraged to work out, to try my hardest, to ceize the day. sometimes i wonder why i try at all. why did they have me, if im just some burden? i prevent you from doing the things you want, which i'm reminded of daily. you don't have time for fun, so why should we all the time? you don't bother teaching me to drive because there's just never enough time for that. if i forget something, or make a careless mistake, im petrified of the stupid scolding i know is coming. i try to love you, and i do, but all i want is to be away from you, and to pretend that im anything but what i am. im not happy with myself, i never have been...never been told i should be. i've lived in this shack of a house for 17 years and i dont feel i've experienced a god damn thing. and, now, you take this away from me too. haven't guided me through any of it, unless you count reminding me, daily, what a burden its all going to be. can anything ever just be kept to yourself? can dad and you ever scrape the money together behind my back and smile because im smiling. can you encourage me to do what i want...go where i want to go? if not, i can guarantee you i will leave as fast as these feet can take me. i can't guarantee ill ever stumble back, because, on my own, i learned there's an entire world out there.
previous & next
|
|