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i pray for the strength
2004-04-20 at 10:40 p.m. im trying to be strong, and it...sucks, for lack of a better way to articulate it. i suppose that's as far as i'll go into that, although it's whats on my mind most of all these days. i've been doing a lot of thinking, and realizing a lot of extremely obvious things. i've been blinded by people and events and words spoken months, weeks, days before, which, oddly enough, seem to mean nothing after they've been plopped out. in a lot of ways i've been stupid. but, i also realize my actions are based on who i am, and will always want to be, which is a bit of a consolation. i still have absolute faith in the people i love. i still love the same people because they still are, and most likely always will be, worth loving. i still hold mom-like instincts for these people. i still want to fix things for them. but, im a bit more sensible now in my realization that however true i am being to myself, it has been making very little effect. and somehow that's ok this time around. it doesn't feel like a failure or hopelessness. it feels a bit like i gave all i had to give, but now know that enough is enough. actions and words still make me sad. empty eyes still make me sad. weaknesses that i continue to watch grow make me extremely sad. but, i do not feel at fault. really all i can do is witness it in sadness. or rather, not witness it, which, for now, is my decision. i know this entry is crytptic, which i intended it to be. im as sure that it makes some sense as i am that at points it makes very little sense. and i suppose that summarizes this entire diary. and, i also suppose that it summarizes exactly who i am. this entry also seems depressive, which is not at all what i intended. depressed i am not. i always feel a need to put somewhat of a disclaimer about my happiness in here, because i guess my words have the tendency to come across as unhappy. i am able to (happily) say that i am not unhappy. i am at that wonderful place between sadness and happiness involving learning, growing, and recognizing. and i suppose, if happiness is so on and off with me, this is a pretty nice place to be. oh, and happy 4/20:)
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