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shell
2003-02-06 at 2:36 p.m. its been an interesting few days. i attended ali's wake last nite. i was completely blown away by all the different groups of people there. i wanted to hug everyone who really knew her, and im so glad i got that little bit of time to hug mellie. going up to see her i didn't know what to say to her parents, but i ended up hugging her mother and saying how sorry i was. sorry really does seem so useless...i wonder how many times they heard "i'm sorry for your loss" that day. but, i suppose its the act of showing up that counts the most. seeing her was an immediate reminder of my uncle and my grandpa...looking at what is left of a person. it seems odd to me, because really the body lying there is nothing but a shell...all that mattered inside that person is in a better place. i suppose it's just a comfort item for everyone, a last chance to say goodbye to what we knew best of that person. but thats not at all who that person was...that body, that shell. i remember being so frustrated at my uncle and grandpas wake and funeral, because when i looked at them i realized they were hollow. all that made them "tick" was there, but not what really mattered. it's sad really, sad that that is supposedly our final goodbye, when they are not actually there. i started getting a lot of my speech done for convention. its odd because at the time that i wrote my essay and at the time i volunteerd to give the speech i was still wrapped up in all of "that". now i could really care less about that part of my life, and i can finally look back, from a different angle, and see the true beauty in it...the beauty of forgiveness. so i guess its easier to write now. i'm still nervous though...and i don't really want to go to convention anyways:-/especially on valentines day:(
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