|
something real
2003-08-04 at 9:05 p.m. what will you say? aren't i lovely, and do you want me, cuz i am hungry for something that will make me real. can you see me, and do you love me, cuz i am desperately searching for something real... just wanted to write a little goodbye entry, as i leave for the airport at 6am-ish tommarow. today was a frustrating day. i was supposed to be getting my brothers mustang to take me to school next year. today he traded it in for a 2003 honda civic. i didn't save money for a car, because i thought i was getting this one for a year while he was in florida. so, i would save then. i don't really know how im getting to school next year, which, when im starting something brand new and scary, doesn't exactly make for the best beginning. and i get so mad at hannah sometimes because all i've heard for the past few weeks and months is how she wants a new car, because her perfectly fine silver saturn is "like, 6 years old." besides being like 6 years old, it was handed to her by mommy and daddy. and, god fucking forbid, she has to save $1,000 so they buy her a new car for $18,000. and whats worse, she knows i can't afford any sort of car, but still chooses to bitch about the car she already has. as well as her bitching about having to go to buff state when she had her heart set on canisius. so did i. and at my family reunion yesterday all my relatives kept asking if i was excited for canisius, and i spent the day correcting them. random people see me and ask if im excited for canisius and i do the same thing. i sucked it up, and im making the best of it. so, hearing her cry and say how horrible her parents are for not letting her go there blows my mind. dont blaim it on them when you wasted every pay check on clothes, which you restock seasonly, if not monthly, because you "have nothing to wear." my god, welcome to the real world.and all through high school i listened to you boast about how you turned into a better person. well, when you snubbed everyone and everything for years, and made people feel so small in your presence, it's not hard to do. i love you, i really do. you're my best friend. but, every time you meet someone new you look them up and down, and it so god damn obvious. we have surpassed this, you have become accustomed to my hoodie, shorts, and flip flops attire. but i get to watch you do it to everyone else, and recall how you made me feel way back in middle school when i wore a new outfit from hills. which you bring up now, teasing me as if i chose to get my clothes from there, and simply had no style. like i didn't feel so out of place next to every other girl. like it wasn't because my dad was out of work for 5 years and we lived off of my mom's salary as a buffalo public school teacher. and not to say you're a horrible person, but it gets old. i feel bad for you because i hate to see my best friend upset, but at the same time i want to bitch slap some reality into you. yes, thats exactly what id like to do. isn't it enough to have a nice house, a car of your own, friends who love you, a chance to go to college? i sat eating dinner tonite trying so hard to block the tears spilling out of my eyes as my parents argued about my financial aid. i listened to hannahs message where she was obviously crying, and i called her back only to have her sob and tell me she didn't want to talk, and proceed to get off the phone as quickly as possible. sometimes i wish i wasn't my mothers daughter who lets other peoples problems ruin their day. so i sat in my room and read, pretending that everything was just fine. waited for her to call back so i could make sure she was ok, but that call never came. and i know that im being naive myself, because i am blessed with things other people dont have, but when you live in williamsville it just doens't cut it. i just feel like im something different from the children that are grown here. i cry when i watch the discovery channel, or see road kill. i put my friends before anything else, and let them walk all over me or vent to me all they want. i want to live in the rainforest more than anything else in the world. i want to live in a crappy apartment in new york city. i just get so frustrated with things some day. i hate that buying my mom flowers doesn't fix her sadness that has built up through the years. i love that surprising my dad with a snickers bar or just saying hello to him makes his entire day. i cry whenever i think about my dad and all he does for me and how hard he works, and whenever i go away for even a night i am so petrified something has happened to my family, so i call every few hours. i am madly in love with a boy that i would marry this very instant if he asked. i hope when i get back from this week off that i will be ready to face my life again. i can fake it for a while and submerge myself in mitch and his complete understanding of me. he is really what keeps me going, the one person who listens to all that i say and completely understands. God bless him.
previous & next
|
|