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whats it like to be me
2003-09-08 at 7:05 p.m. i haven't made much of a decision about the item at hand. however, i have made a decision in dealing with it all. i'm going to enjoy this time to myself, for however long it takes him to call. i woke with puffy red eyes today, but had a nice shower and wore a comfy hoodie. i got my first college grade and it was on an english paper and i got an A, but i forgot to read the chapter for health and human services. the radio was playing all my favorite songs today, ones i hadn't heard in forever, but i got stuck behind really sucky drivers. for half of the day i prayed mitch would call, the other half i made friends by telling them to not let me look at my phone because i was expecting my boyfriend who i was fighting with to call. i came online feeling sorry for myself, but decided it would be better to make other people happy, so i left the people i care about happy messages, hoping to at least improve their day. their thankfulness made me happier, and missy really listened to what i had to say, which made me really happy. things have a way of evening themselves out. for the first time in forever i left my cell phone upstairs in my room charging, because i don't care if he calls or doesn't call. today became my day. i took care of myself as best i know how, and saw happiness in the little things, which all ended up adding up as the day went on. and im ok. and i realize i've been taken for granted. mitch was placed on a pedistol a long time ago, and its time i realize he has his faults as well. faults that i never let bother me, like lateness or being inconsiderate of me, so they became acceptable in his mind too. he had free reign, and i became so vulnerable. at least for today, im not letting myself be taken for granted. its time i at least feel good about myself, because i know i am worth something, if not to him, then to all of my friends. mitch has his life and then he has me. i have my life and that includes mitch in it. the two circumstances are so different, and if at least for today, im going to feel good about myself. im going to not return calls, and not to get even or to prove that i can not call back too. just because i dont want to talk. id rather see a friend, or call a friend. id rather feel like i matter, if at least for today. i dont want to cry or say im sorry today, because i�ll never hear it from him. for one day i dont want to take the blaim for something. and maybe, just a little, i want him to feel what its like to be me. and if he happens to call, ill let him be the one who tries to come up with the entire conversation because he's "the one thats good at it", as im so often told. and ill cut the conversation short because i have homework or i have to eat. so, yea, maybe just a little, i want to feel what its like to be me.
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