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waiting
2003-08-01 at 12:17 a.m. i am so completely and utterly confused and torn and ripped apart right now. mitch hasn't called back since tuesday when he said i could come to north carolina. i found a ticket and everything and i've just been waiting around on his call. and i talked to steve tonite, just about stuff from when we were dating, and it got me all messed up. i love mitch, i love him so much, but when i try to explain it to people everyone seems to think i sound miserable or i dont really want to be with him. and when i talk about how he always late, everyones immediate response is "dont take that from him." but, i know how he feels, i know how much he loves me, but when i go and explain it to someone else it sounds like im making excuses. and this is just sucking the life out of me, waiting for his call. its been two and a half days since we last talked, and there's so much i want to talk to him about. i want to tell him how i dont know how were going to work next year, i want to tell him how insecure ive been about us since he left, how i feel neglected and stupid. and then i talk to steve and he has those seemingly insignifigant qualities that i wish mitch would have. mitch has all the other things that no one else could ever replace, but he never calls when he says he will. he never shows up when he says he will. never remembers to write emails. doesn't remember the small little things, or if he does hes very good at not discussing them...ever. and then tonite i brought up a few little things to steve about us and he recalled right away. it's like mitch is this amazing guy with this personality that i have always been looking for, but he lacks the little things that make all the difference. and it scares me that when he goes away i feel like his love dissapears. i cant figure out why 10 months into the relationship, im not secure with the way we feel. i just wish he would do something spectacular to surprise me some day, something to show me that he really cares..even remembering something from when we first started dating. i wish it didn't seem like he thinks that he doesn't have to work as hard because we've been dating so long. i wish he thought to send a postcard or a letter. he tears me up inside, and i just want to tell him. but i cant really do that while hes on vacation, "hey mitch, while you're supposed to be having fun on the beach, keep in mind that i dont feel like you love me enough, and you never do things to make me feel special anymore, and i dont know how we're going to last next year as much as i want to be with you."
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