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wallflowers and such
2003-12-28 at 12:52 p.m. im starting to embrace growing up and learning these lessons. im still making mistakes, lots of them actually, but it's starting to seem worth it. the phone call i delivered this morning wherein i bitched at mitch is something i should have done months ago. as much as it's not a very good step, it's an important one. im done being the person he knows will always stick around no matter how he treats me. so, i let him have it. it felt good to tell him to call me when he got out of work, and then when he agreed he would, saying no, you wont, and then hanging up. i have never hung up on him. ever. and i dont care if his mom was standing right there, and i dont care if i made him late for work, and i dont care if he's in a bad mood at work, and i dont care that i hung up on him. i want him to have a bad day on account of me. i just want to be strong and...myself really. i want to be the person i made myself right before i met. i want to be strong and resourceful and independent. i just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower. a most amazing book that anyone would enjoy. i just wanted to share some quotes i really loved from the book... we accept the love we think we deserve. I was looking at the old photographs, I started thinking that there was a time when these weren't memories. That someone actually took that photograph, and the people in the photograph had just eaten lunch or something. I dont know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to just sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy, too. It's like my very first memory, which I guess is the first time I was aware that I was alive. I guess what I'm saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it's not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it's peaceful outside, and you're seeing things move, and you don't want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you've read have been read by other people . And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. its just such a good book. i know people recommend books and you dont pay much attention, but it's just incredible. i'll even lend you my copy! i guess that's it.
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