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random blurbs
2003-12-28 at 11:43 p.m. I don�t want to tell him I think it�s really commendable that he is able to tell people how he feels. He is able to say he doesn�t want to see me or that he needs to get off the phone. I want to be that way, but I don�t want him to know that, because then I wouldn�t be doing it for myself. Does that make sense? That�s what�s in my mind right now. That and every time I shrink a screan so I can the background of my computer there is a beautiful beach scene. Crystal blue water and a little island at the center of it. And that makes me happy, and gives me hope. And it�s the stupid simple things like that. And maybe I don�t necessarily make sense, but this entire night has been such a whirl wind of thoughts. I just want to take care of myself and understand myself. I want to be happy just for the sake of being happy. And this quote just seems appropriate�Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers - for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are. and I don�t want to be mushy, and that isn�t the point of this entry. Im sick of those entries. I just want to say what I want to say. And you know what else? I want to really read a book for once. I find myself rushing through every amazing book I read just so I can reach the end of it. When I get there im really sad that it has ended and that I read it the way I did. That I rushed through it. I am now beating you all over the head with a metaphor of my life. That�s what I do with everything. But, I�d like to start with reading. I want to teach myself to savor each word. How am I even able to determine if it�s a good book when the writer intended for each sentence and each word to be powerful and meaningful. I of all people should understand that, because that is what makes writing so magical for me. So, that, will be one of my first steps towards what I�m trying to reach. I am now seemingly over tired. Except I took a 3 hour nap. My eyes are all itchy and red and puffy. I hate when they�re puffy. I�m hopefully going to buy myself a gym membership. I�m overly excited about this. With my insurance it may even be free for 3 months. I can take all these classes and preoccupy myself with getting all buff and hot. Take my aggression out on the treadmill. Don�t mind the fact that my sentences now include capital letters. Diaryland likes to be all fun and overloaded so I have to type in Microsoft word, wherein I have yet to figure out how to prevent them from automatically capitalizing things for me and adding apostrophes. That�s ok though. I don�t really want to know. That�s all then.
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