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what i want
2003-11-12 at 9:29 a.m. mel's diary made me think. i was reading something last night that said you can never find the right person for yourself unless you've identified what that is. this is what i have so far. someone who looks at me like i often look at my friends. with absolute admiration day after day, year after year, for their personality, their beauty, their quirks, the way they drive, the compassion they feel for others someone who will be my best friend someone who will love holding my hand just as much as any other physical act someone who wants to watch me sleep, and stays awake just long enough to watch someone who will share their world with me...the music they love, their family, their friends, the things they are afraid of...and want to know the same about me someone who remembers to call and does little things to make me happy. someone who i will never have to worry about being unfaithful. someone who i could watch, unbeknowenst to them, and never be hurt. someone tall and soft with big hands warm eyes that's all i have right now. i've just been thinking to myself who am i to just accept the next best thing. why shouldn't it be a weeding out process. i of course find faults endearing, and will look for those too, but it's the little things that i'm going to need. i want to be the thing that makes the person most happy to be alive. im still coming to terms with all of this. its so complicated since we are "trying to get back together", because i don't know which way to go. do i get over it? do i wait? it all seems so unstable and it hurts too much most days. i need to know whether i should be healing myself or hoping for something. a part of me thinks i should just let go and start looking at the moral of the story. start thinking about what i want out of the next relationship. sit myself down and realize that promises aren't really promises. realize i might have my heart broken again, whether with him or someone else. and whats hardest for me is i have to realize that all of that letting go and giving in i did last year still led to the heartache i feared so much. i let my guard down so slowly over the months, because he promised things. he promised forever in fact. i am not so naive as to mad at him. these things can't be expected out of 16 and 17 year old boys. its just that another 16 or 17 year old can hear those things and believe them. and i did. i think it's just anger at myself for having believed it all. that's what makes it hard. it took so much to get where i am, but once i got there i fell deeper and deeper. bouncing back from that is no easy task. im just realizing that i can't place blaim on him. i can blaim him for not remembering to call and hurting my feelings, but in the end i could have left. the option was always there. i could have spared myself the hurt, so i have no real right to complain about it now. i think, in the back of my mind, i'm angry that i'm not the one breaking hearts. what i was told isn't true. and that's ok, and no one's to blaim, but it's just such a hard thing to come to terms with. i opened myself up so slowly and it took so long to get close to what i feared. and, just as i feared, it did exactly what i was so terrified it would do. it left. it hurt. it broke things. i was so happy for so long because i thought that i had conquered a fear, proven something horribly wrong. i suppose i just ended up proving myself horribly wrong.
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