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two months
2003-11-11 at 6:23 p.m. i met with my english teacher today for my student conference and he gave me back my most recent paper. i thought it was well written. he obviously didn't. he gave me a C. i've had all A's and A-'s all semester. he's "giving me a chance" to re-write it, on top of the other 6 page paper i have due for him. a ridiculous paper about how the television show The Simpsons expresses Bergson's idea that laughter is used as a social corrective, and how this relates to what the show is about. and it's just a big mess, and im struggling with writing it. now i have to revise an essay i thought was fine. i like the criticism. i like knowing what i did wrong. i just don't like getting C's. it's just never happened... im dreading school tommorow. waking myself up these days is such a hassle. i have so much work i need to be doing, but i am constantly procrastinating. sleep just seems so inviting. i take naps regularly, and when im not napping i'm thinking about it. i just feel like i have all of this work piling up and i can't get a handle on it. i called mitch today to say hi while i was out with missy and her roomates. he was getting ready for work, which i knew, but i guess i just wanted to know that i had talked to him. and i just keep questioning why i rely on him so much. i just want to be my own person, and be happy. i know myself, and i know i wont be happy until i've found someone new or i'm back with him. it's just how i am. this time around though i am not getting into a relationship with the next good thing to come along. i want someone there to make me happy and to look forward to, but i am not going to date them right off the bat. it's selfish and horrible, but i want the person to make me happy, but not have to make a commitment. in a sense i guess that's what i have now with mitch, but the circumstances aren't making me happy. i just want something. and it's been just about exactly two months now since we broke. two months people. i remember when he broke up with me and said we would get back together when he was ready he told me, "it might be a week, it might be a month, it might be a few months..." and i remember thinking a MONTH?! is he crazy? now, here i am, two months down the road. and i told myself i couldn't wait that long and that's just what i'm doing. i don't know if i should just consciously make the effort to move on without telling him? if i tell him i'm giving up and not trying then i'm afraid he'll try to move on to something new. maybe i should just do this by myself, and tell him when i'm really ready to accept everything that that brings. i just wish i had the same feelings two days in a row. when im away i mostly feel like i shouldn't be with him. when im with him, for the most part, i feel like i should. i want to feel one way or the other. gah. two months and i've still made so little sense of any of this.
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