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when will it end
2003-08-21 at 11:52 a.m. i wrote an awesome entry last night and i accidently hit the back button and POOF, no more entry. so here i go again. yesterday i got up early for some breakfast with christina, she leaves tommarow. afterwards i went with my cousin to ub to get my books and look around. books are mother fucking expensive. i still have to buy for another class and i've spent $285 already. and as for my classes, the campus is really fucking huge and it's gonna to be one hell of a day next monday. and then last night i had the dreaded conversation with mitch. he was too tired to do anything because of football and i got more upset than usual and ended up telling him that i wanted to see him more this week because everything changes monday. and i did this in a bitchy way only i seem to be capable of. its just that i let myself get held back by him. its nothing he does, he himself doesn't hold me back, but i let myself get held back because of him. waiting for phone calls and all that jazz. and then i talked about breaking up*, which is something mitch and i do not talk about. *mitch and i do not talk about breaking up in any way shape or form, ever. its always been "we're going to get married and have millions of babies" i explained to him that, contrary to popular (everyones) beliefs, i am not so naive to think that we will 100% make it from 17 to death. and thats just never been said. i've just built so much of myself around him that im setting myself up for one huge heartbreak. so, starting monday im going to try my hardest to do things for myself, by myself. its wonderful to get lost in the moment, but i have to spare myself some of the inevitable heartbreak. i will make a life for myself that will help me cope if we break up. sometimes i hate the fact that you can have such strong feelings at such a young age. i wish that i was only capable of these feelings 10 years from now when life doesn't decide to sit its fat ass on top of what actually makes you happy. and this is just such a jumble of thoughts because im so pissed off that last nights entry got deleted when this was all so fresh in my mind. love and kind emails would be much appreciated...
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