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2003-10-18 at 5:16 p.m. i just wrote an entire entry and then deleted it. i can't begin to explain it, and im so frustrated with the plainness of these sentences. i use the same words, the same way, to say the same things. and not once have i accurately gotten across what i want to say. i dont understand. and that goes for every part of my life right now. i dont understand why my english skills are lacking so much right now. i dont understand why i stopped writing poetry. i dont understand why im not with mitch. i dont understand why everything looked green the other night. my hoodie, my computer, everything. i dont understand why ive gone back to pulling out my eyelashes as a way of dealing with life. i dont understand how i finally gave unconditional love to someone, and it got ripped away from me. i dont understand religion, or faith, or fate. i dont understand why no one ever emails me just to say hi. i dont understand why i cant cry today, despite everything. i dont understand why the teeny wart on my finger wont go away. i dont understand so much stuff in my health and human services class, because my vocabulary isn't that developed yet. and i cant just voice my opinion. i dont understand why i cant muster any or self-confidence. i dont understand why boys don't come up to girls and tell them they're beautiful, because they are. i dont understand why the mazes in the haunted catacombs last nite were so small that no person over 130 pounds stood any chance of fitting through. i hate my inability to write. i hate that it could be better but due to laziness i dont try to improve it. gah i am so frustrated. and i still haven't gotten across any part of any point i want to make. and, shit, i forgot to write this first time around...
ill be okay.
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