i probably should have written this a few days ago when i first got your letter, but i had to sit back and reflect on everything after i read it. there's just a few things that i need to tell you now that i've had time to think....

you said you loved me, but that you don't know what love is. you do know what love is. love was how you treated me for the first few months of our relationship. love was not how you treated me for what im sad to say was many of the lasts months of our relationship. of all things i regret in life, i regret most staying with you for all of those "extra" months. my feelings never once changed for you, and perhaps i thought i could love for the both of us. i think you believe that you dont understand love because you can't figure out how you couldn't love me. you do know what love is, and i dont want you searching every day for some explanation of love. you just couldn't love me.

im angry that i would have done anything for you, and you took it for granted. my love for you was/is unconditional. my biggest regret as of yet is staying with you even when i began to matter less and less. but i dont know whether to blame myself or you for not ending it sooner.

i want you to realize now how much it hurt when you forgot to call, or seeing your friends was more important, or when you stopped reaching for my hand, or when i continually asked if you loved me and you said yes. and you are right that you have maturing to do, and a character to build. a character that knows when to leave and when to stay, and when its taking someone for granted. i stayed with you so long because of that boy i first met. i stayed with you when things got bad, based on those memories. you will never understand the heartbreak of holding onto a memory of someone for so many months.

i keep hoping that you'll call or show up on my door step saying you changed your mind. but im realizing more and more each day that im only in love with the boy i first met. im in love with the person who treated me the same as i treated them. and each day i remind myself that that is not who you are. i dont know who you are, or what changed you. its like something died inside of you, and im left with this boy who doesn't know who is.

you are that boy i met over a year ago, full of confidence and happiness. you are the boy who met the girl that he knew would love him. just because you can't figure out why you couldn't love me back, does not make you a complete mess. it makes me a complete mess. i am not special in any way, except in my ability to love you. as the last ounce of my love i can give, let me feel the burden of your searching. you can give in and accept that you dont love me, and i will carry the hurt and the pain for as long as it needs to go. the only thing i've ever been good at is loving you, and if this makes your life easier then so be it. leave the hurting and the pain to me. i've only ever wanted to see you happy.

in truth i want to end this saying i hope you've changed your mind. i know this isn't so. you know what love is. you know who you are, although everyone needs to be worked on. working on yourself is a continual process that will last all of your life. i wish that this could end with me saying i hate you and i fell out of love too. i do feel as if i hate you, but i have yet to come close to falling out of love with you.

i dont rely on you for anything anymore, or trust you with anything. i dont expect anything out of you, which i came to learn over the months. i have to say this before i go again though, beyond breaking my heart or hurting me, you dissapointed me. you dissapointed me beyond anything i could ever imagine. i just hope that this was it, your biggest let down in life.

and a part of me hopes that every once in a while you lay awake at night feeling the least bit sorry for hurting me worse than anyone else. i cant even come up with any ways that i hurt you. none. not one. i can count for days the things that you did to hurt me and dissapoint me. and that, i suppose, should make this all easier. but it doesn't, because i still love you. i still wouldn't hurt you. i would still take all of your shit. and although you promised to become a better man each day, it will never mean much to me. you hurt me as the person you are now. i will be happy to see you become better, but you will be better for someone else. i want to be happy that i caused this change, i just wish you could have changed for me.

as i said, i dont expect anything out of you. however, i would like you to acknowledge that you got this, whether a phone call or an email back. scream at me, tell me im a bitch. just please recognize that i wrote this. i feel like i spent much of our relationship begging you to remember things, or pleading with you to do something nice for me, and i hate that im right back there. although i dont expect anything from you, ive spent so much time praying i could. please let me know you got this. you've always had the easy part, the other person loved you more and would take however you treated them. i am not that person anymore. as much as i always relied on you, and looked up to you, im seeing that im the strong one.

i hope you become whatever it is you want to be.