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1,000 people
2002-12-28 at 11:29 p.m. ive been meaning to write an entry like this for a while...almost to clense my thoughts. ive been selected to read the essay to over 1,000 people at a Catholic Youth Convention. The essay that got me into all the colleges I applied to, the essay that got me a 100 and a long note from the teacher, the essay that made my mom cry, the essay that made mitch understand, and the essay that makes me seem like a very forgiving and tough person. the essay about you. i wrote it at the worst point of that whole wild ride, when i had finally forgiven you. the thing is, i still haven't forgiven him. i still think about the horrible things i would love to do/say to him on a daily basis. i still think about what a horrible person he is, and what he is capable of doing. i still fear for her, and what will happen if they end. i still look at my door late at nite scared that he might appear again at my window. i still hate him with everything inside of me. i still wonder how i ever stayed with him so long and didn't see the person hidden underneath. i still ponder how i let myself stay with someone who i wasn't in love with. i still wonder why i ever listened to his bull during all those stupid phone calls i recieved for months after. i still regret not telling him that he will never ever compare to mitch when he called and asked. i regret ever trying to be nice to him when he put on his fake niceness. i regret not spitting in his face when he showed up at hannahs. i regret ever telling him that i loved him. i still want to shake sense into him. i still want to record the things everyone has to say about him and send them to him. i still want to punch him, kick him in the balls, and make him go to bed crying every nite as he did to me. i still want to make his life a living hell, and really tell his parents all that he did. i still want to say every viscious thing i can to him about his personal life and his inadequacies. i want to corrupt his dignity as he did mine. i have to read that essay to 1,000 some odd people. i still have to go to college and wonder if the admissions council really read that essay. in my heart i know a good chunk of me has forgiven him...if it hadn't, i would have done all the horrible things i have just written about. i hold myself back, bite my tongue. but, thats more common sense, and not sinking to his level. i want to be able to look out the sea of faces at that convention and read that essay knowing the words i speak are true. i want to feel that i really have forgiven him. im glad everything is only in my mind and that i will never act. im glad i have that control over myself. i'm glad that i know i could never fathom doing any of this to him. im glad i was raised to be a compassionate person. the problem here is, how do you forgive a person like that? how do you forgive a monster? i did my fair share of wrong things, but none that wouldn't occur in any stupid high school relationship. it was the aftermath that was, for lack of a better phrase, fucked up. he really was, and to some extent, still is, a monster that i fear. i can't stop asking how you forgive someone like that. remember the good? to me the good was all a cover-up for whats underneath. see that he must be a good person inside? i don't think he is. make excuses for how he treated me? there are none. blaim myself? i could, but in the long run the finger always points back at him. i am literally bursting with these thoughts on a daily basis. i know i need to let it go, forgive, but, once again i ask, how do you forgive someone like that?
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