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a little torn
2003-09-10 at 4:51 p.m. he was warm, he came around like he was dignified. he showed me what it was to cry. well you couldn't be that man i adored. you dont seem to know, seem to care what you're heart is for. well i dont know him anymore. theres nothing where he used to lie, the conversation has run dry. thats whats going on...nothings fine, im torn. im all out of faith, this is how i feel. i am cold and i am chained, lying naked on the floor. you loosed, you never changed into something real. im wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn. you're a little late, im already torn. i dont know if i feel loved at all anymore. if someone came to me and said that and asked for my advice i would reply "if you doubt it at all, you probably shouldn't be with that person." however, i can not follow my advice, although its always seemed to work well for others. because, wonderful readers, i am different than everyone else. i create things in my head and believe them, whether they're true or not. i can not decide if these thoughts in my head are true. i know when i was with him today he kissed me, snuggled up against me, got food for me, laughed with me. but i also know that he didn't say i love you first at all today, he didn't try to hold my hand. granted, he's sick and i think he thinks that his feelings are understood. i guess thats where the problem is. i dont know. not because he doesn't show me, but because i think i literally need someone to tell me every day that they still do indeed love me. im skipping a lot of important stuff that gets you from the last entry to this one, like how it got sortive fixed. thing is, right now i am just pondering whether i should still be with him. and that just sounds ridiculous to me. he's mitch, im manda. we're us. but i dont know if us is enough anymore. there was a time when i could handle the insecurities, but now i dont know how much i can take. i cant be the only one doing something wrong. i wish i had a crystal ball that would tell me what would happen if we stayed together or not. because, at the end of it all, if there is an end, i dont want to feel like i went through months of pain just to have it all end. perhaps that's selfish of me. i dont know about much of anything anymore. anyways. school has been going well. my classes are a bit challenging, but i've been doing all of my work and i really love my sociology and health and human services classes. everything is still so new to me, including all the driving and the walking. i also got a new job as a secretary at an car dealership. should be interesting considering i know jack shit about cars. tommarow i train, saturday i start working. woo hoo.
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