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bitter bitter bitter
2003-09-14 at 12:43 a.m. i want to write something meaningful. i really do. i started a new job today. its ok as far as jobs go. i answer a phone, hand guys license plates, and write down peoples license information. i have my own desk and chair and what not. its just me and 7 guys, mostly in their 50's. i can never remember their names, and despite how small the place is, there are two mike's and two george's in the company, and twice today i pissed them off when i called them in over the intercom for a cigarette break, only to realize i had the wrong person. i get to do my homework though, and its only 8 hours, one day a week. i haven't really written an entry about college yet. im not sure what to write. it's completely what i expected, and then completely not what i expected. i never thought i would feel as alone as i do on campus. i am surrounded by 35,000 other people, who all seem to know someone. im learning to do simple things by myself, like study in the student union, or walk to my class without being on my cell phone with a friend from college. and, tonite i was supposed to go to the football game. various people invited me actually, but i really just wanted to stay home. i was hoping to see mitch for an hour or so when he got out of work at 10, but when i called i found out he was working until 12. i asked him to call me when he got out, but, quite obviously, that hasn't happened. and im bitter. extremely bitter. i didn't pass up plans for him, but passing up plans didn't seem so bad if i was going to be able to do something as simple as hang out with him for an hour. once again, im bitter. and i suppose that's my general emotion lately. i dont feel like i used to. and im bitter about so many things, so many people, so many experiences. and the fact that mitch and i seem so up in the air to me, and yet he doesn't seem to notice at all, is really taking its toll on me. when i called and found out i couldnt see him tonight, i asked about tommarow. i said the game was on tommarow, and he said he knew, and for that quick moment i thought he'd do something like he used to like say "i just want to see you." instead, "yea, the games on. we're gonna watch it." which means a) we watch it at his house/my house with his/my whole family b) we watch it with his friends and i watch them smoke pot, and be...losers. neither option sounds too appealing. you would think that he might want some time alone with me. and i guess ive just been acting like everythings fine, when i know its not. i still feel neglected. i still feel like everyone else comes before me. i still feel like im clinging to someone. i hate being needy. god i hate it. and i am starting to get tired now, so i guess its best if i sleep. i always feel much better in the morning. but, tommarow morning involves waiting for mitch to wake his ass up and tell me that i get to spend the day with his overweight, girlfriend free, pot head friends. did i say im bitter?
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