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angry all the time
2003-04-27 at 2:43 p.m. i can't even begin to describe the bitter blob that is my mother. i have never met a more miserable person...ever. if my entire life has to be devoted to it, i will never ever be even remotely like her. she has no happiness left, so she seems to enjoy, no, indulge, herself in sorrow and bitterness. anger and arguments. i called in sick today to work. she comes into my room screaming because my boss called to say they got someone to cover and mentioned i hadn't been feeling well for nearly a month now. she starts screaming about how i didn't tell her. well, i can answer that one quickly...if i ask to go to the doctor it's her complaining that she or my dad have to go out of their way to take me. so, yes, i've been sick for a month straight, unbeknowenst to her, and today is just the climax of it all. then, when i came into the living room this morning i told her how since a few days ago my cheek has been bleeding because my wisdom teeth, having now fully come in, are digging a hole into my cheek and the back of my mouth. i have been asking to get them out for months now, and now i truly need them out. all i heard every time i mentioned it was yelling about the cost, the time, the inconvenience. god, how many times in conversations is anything involving me catergorized as an inconvenience. then, just now, we got in a fight over film. she has a coupon to get one hour photo for 4.99 at eckerd, and it expires in a few days. she has 5 pictures left on her camera to take pictures with, so she wanted to wait. i have two cameras, one from myrtle beach and one from the summer, that i wanted to get developed, but she said to wait and use the coupon. i would like my pictures now, so i said i would pay full price for them and i didnt care. she takes this as a personal jab at her, and we get in a huge fight about it, although i told her REPEATEDLY not to take them today if she doesn't want to. since i am home sick she wont let me take them, so i only yelled about that, because im ready to have them developed. and i really can't finish this, because im so incredibly pissed off, and there's too much to explain. but, my God, i will never be like that women. if i have to give up everything to not be like her ill do it. im not old, but im getting a whole lot older every day. its too late from going crazy...i've got to get away. the reasons that i cant stay dont have a thing to do with being in love. and i understand that loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough. and you ain't the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind...i dont why you gotta be angry all the time. our boys are strong now, the spitting image of you when you were young. i hope some day they can see past what you have become. and i remember every time i said id never leave, but what i can live with is memories of the way you used to be. twenty years have came and went since i walked out of your door. i never quite made it back to the one i was before. and, God it hurts me to think of you for the light in your eyes was gone." in other news, i hung out with tony, hann, and riana last nite. then we met the rest of the boys at the airport. good times. now, my make shift gauze of toilet paper needs changing and i need some sleep. so, until later...
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