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anorexia nervosa
2004-01-11 at 1:48 p.m. i really feel like im going to go insane. i've been trying to download a song for the last hour and every single one of them has a huge beep in the middle. i just want the damn song. and i'm being crazy. i'm getting mad and i don't even know what i'm mad about. (yes i do) school starts tomorrow and im no better off then i was when break started. that was my goal. i was going to improve over this break, fix things, or let things alone. i didn't do it. i'm going back with the same attitude and the same distractions. turns out my entire freshman year of college really is going to be ruined. by me. i feel like i have no control over my life. apparently all of my friends think im anorexic now. nice of you all to tell me. i've heard from almost 10 people now that they thought i looked way too skinny and basically disgusting. i can't fucking help it. don't tell me to eat more or eat healthier, because i eat three times as much as any of you. i've always been this way and i don't know why you're all suddently so surprised that holy shit, amanda's skinny. maybe it's because you got fat? could that be it? i don't rub that in anyone's face, i don't even think about it. why is it ok to say you look bad because you're too skinny, but not to tell someone they look bad because they're over weight. maybe, just MAYBE, both are insulting topics of conversation and should be avoided. i am the least likely person to have an eating disorder, but i now have another complex to add to the list. too skinny. and you're all too fat. try eating healthier and eating less so you can lose that ugly freshman 15. do that and then maybe you can tell me how i need to gain weight. feels good, doesn't it? i feel like i've regressed to the reasoning of a 6 year old, but im pissed off and worn out. i lost weight because im stressed out and unhappy. give me advice on how to be happy again, not how to gain weight. and i don't want to be walked all over again. last night i was picking someone up, i called to let them know i was outside. they told me they'd be out in "a sec". 5 minutes later i call again, "im coming". more than 5 more minutes later they come outside. thank you for wasting my gas, making me freeze, and being a royal pain in my ass. and when i nicely ask if maybe you could cut back on the "my boyfriend i love is taking me back and being perfect" stories because it makes me a little sad, could you maybe take it into consideration? not click over to call waiting 3 times in our 10 minute conversation to talk to him, and then report back to me the wonderful plans he's made for the day. he hit on me. he told you he never wanted you in his life again and that he felt nothing for you. he's been with other people since you. this entry is going nowhere.
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