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so you wanna be writer?
2003-06-16 at 5:25 p.m. helloooo! what a GORGEOUS day it is today! i had my math exam this morning (wow did i bomb), then laid out until 1 when i went over to mitch's, hung out with him mike and matt (quite possibly the funniest trio ever) and then mitchs dad drove me home and we had a good conversation:) i forgot how wonderful summer was. now hannah wants me to just hang out at her house tonite, but im in the mood for a party or something exciting. ill see what i can convince her of. but, my main point of writing this was to type something here that i wrote last nite in my "normal" diary about my passion for writing. i think somewhere buried in my rant is what i really should be...a writer. so, here it is, a late nite scrawl... And I can't help but questions where it is that I'll go. I have such a passion for words and writing, yet I feel no real talent. But it's the only thing I love to do that might yield some sort of career path. Perhaps I should just marry rich and write for fun. Pass my days in a comfortable chair on my porch overlooking the ocean. Yes, that would be absolutely perfect. I wrote an essay for my English final the other day about how to prepare for change. And it seems I am so good at pretending to be wise and resourceful when it is just my ability to use words to make meyself sound one way or another. And, see, I love that words can make you anything you want--I can hypnotize people into thinking one thing or another. I don't even feel real somedays, its as if my writing words creates a persona for me. I do not in any way feel genuine or sure of myself. I just know what sounds good and I love that words can create that. No one can tell you you are wrong because, there it is, etched on paper. Funny how words on paper have no way of revealing their lies like an expression on someone face. It amazes me that what we see written is the first thing we believe, because there it is--something for us to see, cut out, refer to, read to others. People never edit for validity but rather grammar and spelling. I could write for days about some mystical person I wish I were and someone will read it and simply correct the surface of it. (this is stuff i want to write about now) I love that I am not that person. When we took exams in school it seemed so few people understood what the author was actually saying or they complained about it. I have always found such happiness in reading something just for what the author was trying to tell me. It makes me upset to think that from so early on I was taught that writing is about grammar and spelling, paragraph form and punctuation, rather than the actual content. I am so happy that somewhere along the way I learned to balance both. I wish everyone could look at a book or a story or an article and feel it the way I do. I wish everyone could get something unique out of everything that they read. I love the power of language. I love being able to write something and erase it, cross things out, go back to a piece of writing I started years and years before and begin to edit away at them. And, see, to me language is easy to control, yet it allows you to be completely out of control, completely open. I love that I feel like I control my words...I have a backspace button, an eraser, a pen to cross out with. But I also have the possibility of getting down everything in my head. I love that writing has a core to it...a soul. so thats that. i finally realized last night that even if im not a spectacular writer, if i love it then I can always get better at it. and i would rather do something I love and not be the best at it than be amazing at something that I have no passion for. well thats reasuring!
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