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i cant make you love me
2003-09-15 at 8:48 a.m. i can't make you love me...if you dont. you cant make your heart feel something it wont. after everything thats happened, after our entire year together, the one thing i cant do is make him love me if he doesn't. yesterday, on a rock at glenn park i asked if he still loved me. he looked at me and said "ill always love you." and i knew just what that meant. i asked how he loved me, and he paused and said that's what he's trying to figure out. he doesn't know whether he loves me like a girlfriend or like a friend. and you can't know what that feels like. to sit there and cry, and have him cry for the first time, and cling to each other and kiss each other. and you cant know how it felt this last week when everytime i went to kiss him, he wasn't really kissing back. and when he hugged me, he held his hands losely around me. and, then he finally kisses me like he should, and holds me how he used to...and its when im crying because he needs to figure out if he really loves me. you don't know how much that hurts. and i wonder how this is happening to me and mitch. and i wonder how he fell so dangerously in love with me, so soon, before even i fell, and now he just doesn't know. i watched a movie yesterday where a character was saying that you never know the last time you're going to sleep with a person. and that kills me, because it's so true. and i dont know when the last i love you he said, really meant he loved me. but, most of all, i dont know how to be without mitch. he's been everything to me for a year now, and its being ripped away. and i told him, he was the last person i ever expected to hurt me. he's the person who protected everyone else from hurting me. and he asked if i hated him, and i told him that no, i felt just the opposite. i never, in a million years, guessed that mitch would be the one to break my heart like this. and i hurt so much. worse than i've ever hurt before. and anyone reading this cannot understand. the one person that means the absolute most to me sat next to me yesterday, crying, telling me he needs time away to decide how he loves me. and i dont know what to do with that.. and we parted with him telling me that we're not over, we're not ended, this isn't goodbye. he told me he wants to stay with me, wants to work things out, but he has to figure this all out first. but, i have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is it. somewhere along the line i lost his "in love" love. somehow it turned into just loving me. the love that was so much for so long has now been ripped apart. and i feel so broken. so so broken. there's a danger in loving somebody too much
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