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break away
2003-10-31 at 1:21 p.m. i skipped english today and went rollerblading instead. it was too beautiful a day to spend it inside the student union, then eventaully english. it was gorgeous out. the trees all looked so beautiful, and i'd stop every mile or so to sit on a bench and look at them. to me that's more important than anything i would have learned in my english class. im so frustrated with school. i feel like until the rest of my life is in order its next to impossible for me to make decision like what im going to major in. im just unhappy with myself and the person i am inside. i dont think im going to find the answer to any of that in some college courses. i was driving today and this voice in my head kept saying "you have to leave, you have to leave" over and over again. thats what i really want to do. just got away for a week or two. i dont mean some jamaican vacation, i just want to pick up and leave for a little while and be by myself. i feel suffocated by everything going on around me, and i want to be alone. more alone than driving by myself in my car. i get mad when i see other cars, and when i cant go as fast or slow as i want. i just want to be by myself for a while so i can figure myself out. i think im going to bring the idea up to my parents. explain that i feel suffocated and i can't focus or do what im supposed to. maybe they'll have an idea of what i can do. most likely not, and even more likely they'll tell me that i just need to deal with things as they come. but so much is going on in my head right now that i can't form any clear thoughts, let alone deal with things as they come. i dont want to go on a road trip with a friend or a family member. i just want to go somewhere on my own. and im at the point where im considering just doing it without telling anyone. buying myself a greyhound bus ticket and going somewhere. i dont want to stay with a relative, or go with a friend. i just want to do something for myself. im convinced that this will help me find myself. anyone have any suggestions?
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