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i wont give in to it
2003-10-13 at 11:56 a.m. argh. i hate when my mom answers my cell phone. i know this is a minor pet peeve, but it gets me so mad. i put it in my room so that if mitch calls i wont hear it. and if mitch doesn't call then at least i haven't been staring at it for last hour praying it rings. so, SHE ANSWERS IT. she comes all the way from the front of the house, into my room, and answers the god.damn.phone. mind you it wasn't mitch, but it was hannah, and i just wasn't in the mood. you really have to be in the right mood to talk to her. and i just woke up from a nap and im just cranky as all shit. i went to the hanson concert on saturday which was the coolest thing ever. zac hanson was 10 ft. away from me. absolutely insane, and they sounded amazing. christina and i had such a blast. this week is midterms. gaaah. and my study habits right now are just horrible. i go through these phases...i start out all ready to study, then it slowly dwindles, and then it just dissapears. and you would think with such important tests i would sit my ass down and make myself just do it. but, i literally can't. it's times like these where i think to myself that college really isn't where i want to be right now. and if you just knew how dissapointing that is to me. i really live my life and pass up opportunities as if i think im going to do it some other time. the next time i go to high school. the next time im in college. cant take chances because that's going against everything ive ever been taught. but, i do just live one time, and if it were up to me, i would be in another country helping people, or just learning from traveling. i guess thats it. im just dissapointed in my life so far. and i feel so alone and sad. i keep thinking about my birthday next month and getting so depressed. i just don't know about a lot of things right now, and im hoping i snap out of this. im too petrified to go to a psychiatrist for fear of what they might tell me. i know depression runs in my family, and i know i have a majority of the signs for it. i know how i feel when i want to give up, and when i've reached my low. i know that when i ball up in the corner of a room or a closet and cry for hours that somethings wrong. i know that i drive myself insane some days with my fears, and my insecurities. i can feel it take it's toll on me. it makes me not want to study, or go out, or get up. but, im just too afraid to find out. or maybe im just too afraid to give in to all. but im constantly wondering how i would feel on some sort of anti-depressant. i mean, would i feel normal? like everyone else? i don't know if its a wonder pill or if it just eases things a bit. but this all means going to my parents and telling them. i dont think i can do that. because i feel like it's what they're waiting for. they know that im just a bitch because of this. more than anything i hate giving in to negative things that people feel about me. but, this, these feelings, choke me some days. suck the life out of me. when i say i want to give up, i mean it. its so hard some days just to get up and go on with it all. and you know what makes me believe im fine? how incredible i am at the front i put on. i amaze myself at how well i carry on in front of everyone. at work, at school, with friends, with family, with random strangers. but inside its like im dying. i could have been crying 30 seconds before, but i can immediately flash a smile and laugh and carry on a normal conversation. so, i tell myself that makes me fine, because i can do that. i just dont want to give in.
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