|
how do i decide
2003-09-30 at 12:58 p.m. i usually love rain. but, today it just seemed so sad. and rain always seems to come after things go bad with mitch. the day after he broke up with me the skies were completely grey and it rained all day, and it was hard enough to haul my ass of bed, late, that day. the rain didn't help. and that nite he was saying how he loved the rain, and i said i did too, but that today it had just seemed sad. there was a long pause on his end and he said "that's what i was just going to say." so, yet again, a monumental step in our relationship and it rains. its me this time though. i told him that i dont think i can stay friends with him. i dont even think i can be any part of his life. what i want is not what he wants. ill keep wanting what i want, and he'll keep wanting what he wants. i can not keep going every day with this false hope that he'll change his mind. and he tells me we'll be back together someday, we just cant be now. well, i cant be then. i cant wait around. already these past two weeks everything has just sort of deteriorated around me. school, friends, family. i haven't been able to function like a normal human being. i still love him so much, but i will never get over him if we stay friends. its just not possible for me. and, more than that, i will never get on with my own life if we stay friends. and i cant begin to fathom how hard it will be. but, the constant wondering, the inability to focus, the hurting can't go on anymore. this is my life. this is my freakin life. and this isn't what he expected. he broke up with me based on "timing", expecting me to stay in the picture until he was ready. i told him this would be how it was, because how could i really be without him. but, now, im questioning how i can really be with him. i know i hurt him last nite when i told him all of this, and he tried to say this was just a phase and i wouldn't always feel this way. i finally made it clear to him that this wasn't something i'd be doing for a week or a month. i cant be in his life anymore, ever. i told him to get together anything he wanted to tell me or give me for when i see him on monday. any last things he wants me to know. this is so different for me. because this isn't about whats best for him, or for us. this is about whats best for me. its just hard to grasp that monday is quite possibly the last time i will see him for a very long time. the last time ill hear his voice, touch his hand. but i cant imagine doing all those things again and again each day. i have no idea how to determine whats best for me. and the saddest part was the end of the conversation. we were saying our goodbyes and he paused for a long time and said "i love you" in a way that has never sounded so sincere. this isn't how he expected it to end i guess. he always pictured id be here. and in some ways i wonder if im trying to show him that when you break up with someone, it means you have to deal with the fact that they may never be in your life again. he assumed that i would always be here. i just dont know if i can.
previous & next
|
|